So much to say, I hope you can stay with me. I don't have an eloquent way to begin, so I'm just jumping in. And i had super cute photos but I couldn't make it work.
Disclaimer: Please know that I don't believe my experience is worse or harder. All we know is our own reality.
Raising 6 girls, born within 4.5 years of each other has been the most difficult, trying and exposing experience in my 34 years. I have screamed, shouted profanities, threw food (among countless other things), asked Taylor if I could leave and not come back. I've been mad at the Lord for giving me all these kids and feeling like he hadnt equipped me to care for them. If He knows I have a temper, little patience (just to name a few), which He does, why give me all these kids? Why subject them to a mother like me? I'm not kidding. I struggled with this for several months and it still shows its head from time to time. For the record, I never physically harmed them. But I shed so many tears because I am not equipped, others could be more loving and have a softer tongue, and because He did this to them. Didn't He love my children? These are lies. But they are powerful lies, crippling lies. LIES!
Through all of the garbage, when I couldn't be the mom they needed my girls had each other. Then more lies came: your children are kinder than you; your children are more forgiving than you. Actually these things are probably true. The issue is what I said to myself after that: they are better off without me; I cause more harm. That is a LIE.
Do you know what brought me to my knees asking for forgiveness time after time, both to the Lord but also to my girls? It was their kindness to one another. Giving a hug to a crying sister because they were compassionate. It was Evie comforting Lucy after she was yelled at then coming to me as Lucy's advocate and defender. It was Lucy being the bigger person after she and I got into an argument and she offered me forgiveness and she apologized.
Whatever the reason or the examples they are shown (good and bad) my girls already know how to help, they know how to comfort, how to forgive, how to say sorry.
Without being asked, Josie will fill up the little girls' water bottles and hand then out. Evelyn will grab a book so she can read to the babies. Lucy will give her beloved pillow to Josie. Evelyn will find a snack for everyone when I have locked myself in a room because I just can't anymore.
Some days I have guilt because my girls do these kinds of things and are there for each other in a way that I am unable to be. But then sometimes I am thankful that there are so many of them to lean on one another when I'm not present, when my tongue is sharp, when I am not caring for them the way I should. They astound me with their compassion and care for each other. Yes they fight and they compete for who is the "best sister." But holy cow, do they love each other something fierce. Even the triplets will cry, repeating "baby, baby, baby," and bang on a door if they are separated from each other.
In my dark moments it is often my children that the Lord uses to shine light.
