Darkness, light, and motherhood

I co-lead a MOPS (moms of pre-schoolers) at my church,  the Baton Rouge Vineyard.  Last week was our first meeting and I spoke about darkness,  light, and motherhood. Here is what I shared.

I have been mulling over ideas about our first meeting and the idea of darkness, light, and motherhood since July.  I have story after story of darkness in my motherhood experience.  Then the flood came and my home remained dry.  I started second guessing if I was qualified to talk about darkness.  Several times I thought I would just pass the buck onto someone else.  However, I wasn’t able to follow through with that.  

So here I am...I am a mother to 6 girls ages 6, 5, 3, and 2 year old triplets.  That piece of information alone usually results in comments or conversations like:

*I shouldn’t complain to you

*I thought I had it hard

I am from Ohio, all my family lives 15-18 hours away.  My husband’s family is also hours away.  Again I hear:

*I shouldn’t complain

*I thought i had it hard

I have had traumatic births, peaceful ones, births at home and in a hospital.  I had babies that took to the breast like a fish takes to water and then I had babies that cried when I brought them close to my breast.  My kids goes days without seeing their dad because of his hours but then the next week he is at all their school functions in the middle of the day.  Chances are in this small glimpse of my motherhood you have 1) been able to identify with one or more of my experiences 2) had a reaction of “I shouldn’t complain, I couldn’t handle that” 3) thought that is nothing.  All we know are our own experiences and our own reality.  We all have our own “darkness” in motherhood.  We all have things in our lives that we struggle with that others wouldn’t bat an eye at and the same is true in reverse.  It is not about who has more darkness.  We all have darkness.  Don’t have guilt that your darkness is different.  Name it.  Call it out.  Even own it.

Maybe I am being a bit ambigious.  Here are some things that may be darkness in your motherhood

*inability to breastfeed

*traumatic birth

*a spouse who won’t help

*no spouse

*no home

*exhaustion

*quick temper

*endless hours on the TV

*you don’t play with your kids “enough”

*depression

*anger

*no friends

*sickness

*no attachment to your kids

*quick tongue

Whatever your darkness is name it.  If light never shines in a dark place it always stays dark.  Calling attention to something allows just the tiniest bit of light in.  The smallest bit of light can bring the smallest bit of hope, an out, some reprieve.  Sometimes all we need is a morsel to get out of bed or to take the next step.

So I have a little story to share, given the events of this summer it seems insignificant.  And the darkness didn’t remain too long.  Yet I have to remind myself all I know are my own experiences.

    When the triplets were just a few months old I had one of many countless breakdowns.  I left the house sobbing, I had no idea where I would go, what I would do, or when I would return home.  I just stormed out of the house, ignored my older kids’ pleas not to go and told my husband “I am leaving.”    The babies wouldn’t nurse, I didn’t want to pump, and I didn’t want to give them formula.  I was too exhausted to feed them.  I was mad that they wouldn’t do what I wanted.  I was mad I couldn’t do what I wanted.  I found myself in the parking lot of a bank crying and screaming.  Eventually I returned home because I realized I couldn’t not feed my babies.  I told my husband: “ I need to power pump.  That means I need 30-40 minutes with no interruptions.”  I found snacks, took several minutes to find a show I wanted to watch and I hooked those bad boys up to the pump.  I cried while I pumped.  I cursed.  I was mad.  No one bothered me.  I did it again the next day.  And I was alone then too.  Then I realized this thing I despised so much, but not enough to give up because I was probably crazy, could actually bring me a little reprieve… a few minutes alone, with snacks, and TV.  Pumping was like my darkness.  Eventually it became a mix of dark and light because I got a 20 minute break away from all 6 of my kids!  I still hated it most of the time.  But it offered a little break.

This darkness had an end.  But not all darknesses will.  Some will be harder to penetrate.  I am not talking about a quick or easy fix.  However I really do believe that if we are willing to name our darkness it allows us and God to slowly allow some light in.

What’s light?

*a piece of chocolate after a hard day

*glass of wine

*someone paying your bill

*your starbucks order paid for

*a 20 minute break away from the kids while you pump

*a friend who will listen

*quiet time

*a nap

*counseling session

*time to play life with your kid

*someone else doing the dishes

*a job

*remission

*being debt free

So, we all have darkness.  Don’t compare.  Name it.  Be willing to  bring and even allow a bit of light into your darkness.