2016 check-in

Taylor and i talked on tbe phone tonight for a long time while he was at work. We both remarked that we haven't done that in a long time.  In fact, long and meaningful conversations are a rare thing these days.  After our conversation i came across this blog post that was shared in my triplet group.  That inspired me to write this post tonight, the first post in nearly 9 months.

  Taylor asked me tonight on the phone do you think we will be happy again? I said I don't like to think about it because it makes me cry.  And it's not like we are miserable, disatisfied, or any of that.  But everything feels like work and I don't see any sign of that letting up.  When there is a break in the day  my first choice isn't usually so spend time with my kids and it isn't even to spend time with Taylor.  That also makes me want to cry.  None of this means im not thankful ALL THE TIME for each of my kids and my husband or that I don't love them. I do love them.  I find myself regularly wishing the days away, wanting to move onto the next stage. That also makes me cry. 

I post a lot of victories and awesome things because I use Facebook to document my life. It's my scrapbook.  In these days that are so long and hard I need to be able to look at something I posted a few weeks ago or this morning to remind me that it's not as horrible as I am playing over in my head, or to be an encouragement to myself that I can do it.

  My days are really hard, I fly by the seat of my pants, my bed is never made, my nightstand is cluttered with food wrappers, dirty dishes, and empty bottles of wine that have accumulated and not been dealt with. I don't mop my floor. I am not sure I've dusted my house. Ever.  I knowingly wear clothes that are stained.  I yell.  I am addicted to facebook.

I would feel horrible if someone thought I had my act together all the time, that I was a "Pinterest mom," or didn't struggle.  I wouldn't want someone to think I'm disingenuous.  honestly, sometimes I want to look like I have my act together because I don't want to be judged for my family size.  A lot of times i am self conscious about my family size because I want people to not dread us being around or regret inviting us somewhere.  I don't want my family to be a burden to anyone.  I am also keenly aware of the relative uniqueness of the make-up of my family and I don't ever want to overshadow another mom or family.  If i do i promise i am not trying to. My kids, my family, and my circumstances aren't any more special than yours.

And another thing, if I'm lamenting about my circumstances please do not think I that *I think* I have the monopoly on hard circumstances.  We ALL have aspects of our lives that are hard and what is hard to one person is a non issue to someone else. When I share anything, good or bad, it is not done to minimize you or your circumstances.  People tell me all the time: i don't know how you do it, you are amazing, etc. I promise you there are countless things in your life that I could not do. You are also amazing.  You are a bad ass. 

Life is good, God is great.

I sat down yesterday and did our budget. Didn't look pretty. This time last year I would have likely had several break downs, had an internal fight with myself about going back to work full-time, and suggested to my husband to sell one of our two vehicles. But this time my reaction was different. Am I comfortable with how things look, not really. Did I let out a nervous laugh, yep. This time my reaction was: how can I make things stretch. So I took inventory of my food, actually took written inventory. We have our typical proteins: beef, chicken, hambone (from Evi'e 1st birthday) and fish. In fact we have quite a bit, thanks to my brother-in-law's near obsession with fishing! with my inventory in hand I started googling recipes, it didn't make the cut if it would require me to go shopping. Our next three meals look pretty good: broiled tuna steak with Chinese 5 spice marinade, ham and potato soup, and tilapia & scallop with garlic cream sauce. YUM!!!! Easy recipes and good food aside, I feel that not working fulltime is what God wants for me right now. So during this time we are trusting that things will be taken care of. We have to rest in that.

In other news, I did a major clean and organization today. What turned into sorting socks resulted in cleaning out a closet, a bedroom, and our upstairs living room. At one point Taylor said to me, "That closet looks great because everything that was in it is now all over the bedroom floor!" So am I really cleaning and organizing if I'm merely moving the chaos into another room? It does give me the feeling of accomplishment, so long as I don't go into the room that the stuff has just been dumped into! But really, I did manage to clean up all the messes (or nearly all) I made today. I went basically non-stop from about 11pm til 4! Whether or not Taylor helped me wasn't really an issue, I just wanted him near by. But he did offer, so periodically I gave him tasks. And of course at times Evelyn and Lucy completely emptied out drawers and shelves, only adding to the chaos. But that's ok.


Before Evie takes her nap and goes to sleep for the night we always try to read books, sometimes she chooses. This afternoon she selectd Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs. This book has always been so special to me, while I did not have an up or downstairs nana, I did have a next door Grammy. I didn't think much of it when she put it in my hands and plopped down in my lap, it had been many years since I had read the book all the way through so I wasn't sure what to expect. Half way through the book the boy's great-grandmother, nana upstairs, passed away. Immediately I began to cry. Evie, tenderly looked at me as I tearfully finished the book.

Life is good. God is great.