2016 check-in

Taylor and i talked on tbe phone tonight for a long time while he was at work. We both remarked that we haven't done that in a long time.  In fact, long and meaningful conversations are a rare thing these days.  After our conversation i came across this blog post that was shared in my triplet group.  That inspired me to write this post tonight, the first post in nearly 9 months.

  Taylor asked me tonight on the phone do you think we will be happy again? I said I don't like to think about it because it makes me cry.  And it's not like we are miserable, disatisfied, or any of that.  But everything feels like work and I don't see any sign of that letting up.  When there is a break in the day  my first choice isn't usually so spend time with my kids and it isn't even to spend time with Taylor.  That also makes me want to cry.  None of this means im not thankful ALL THE TIME for each of my kids and my husband or that I don't love them. I do love them.  I find myself regularly wishing the days away, wanting to move onto the next stage. That also makes me cry. 

I post a lot of victories and awesome things because I use Facebook to document my life. It's my scrapbook.  In these days that are so long and hard I need to be able to look at something I posted a few weeks ago or this morning to remind me that it's not as horrible as I am playing over in my head, or to be an encouragement to myself that I can do it.

  My days are really hard, I fly by the seat of my pants, my bed is never made, my nightstand is cluttered with food wrappers, dirty dishes, and empty bottles of wine that have accumulated and not been dealt with. I don't mop my floor. I am not sure I've dusted my house. Ever.  I knowingly wear clothes that are stained.  I yell.  I am addicted to facebook.

I would feel horrible if someone thought I had my act together all the time, that I was a "Pinterest mom," or didn't struggle.  I wouldn't want someone to think I'm disingenuous.  honestly, sometimes I want to look like I have my act together because I don't want to be judged for my family size.  A lot of times i am self conscious about my family size because I want people to not dread us being around or regret inviting us somewhere.  I don't want my family to be a burden to anyone.  I am also keenly aware of the relative uniqueness of the make-up of my family and I don't ever want to overshadow another mom or family.  If i do i promise i am not trying to. My kids, my family, and my circumstances aren't any more special than yours.

And another thing, if I'm lamenting about my circumstances please do not think I that *I think* I have the monopoly on hard circumstances.  We ALL have aspects of our lives that are hard and what is hard to one person is a non issue to someone else. When I share anything, good or bad, it is not done to minimize you or your circumstances.  People tell me all the time: i don't know how you do it, you are amazing, etc. I promise you there are countless things in your life that I could not do. You are also amazing.  You are a bad ass. 

Changes

The changes in my children today hit me like a ton of bricks.  

Big Change 1: This morning Lucy came rushing into our room and exclaimed "Evie has a tooth that is loose."  Evie has been imagining losing tooth forever. She has asked on numerous occasions to go to the dentist so he can pull out her teeth.  On any other day I would have brushed it off as another made up reality but not today.  She is 5.5 a loose tooth is very much a real possibility. I was excited, perhaps not as much as Lucy or Evie.  

Them as the day went on it dawned on me that she actually has a loose tooth, there will very soon be a gap in her mouth.  When she got her first baby tooth i got sad because I knew her smile would never be the same. For the last 4 years or so I have grown to love her little girl smile. But in a matter of days, maybe weeks, her smile will change and it will never be the same. I'm not a huge fan of the few big teeth among baby teeth, it's such an awkward yet unavoidable stage of life.  Fortunately Evie's mouth is easing me into this next phase because it's a bottom tooth.  

Big change #2: Today I started weaning the babies. (Keep your opinions about that to yourself).  I told myself if I could make it to a year of nursing/pumping that I would stop and that would be OK.  This will likely be longest weaning process ever so as to avoid mastitis.  It has been such a long, challenging, draining, exhausting, painful, journey. I am glad I pushed to get the babies to nurse but it was not easy.  I am not sure I would do it all again. But I also don't know what else I would have done instead.  I enjoyed seeing the babies hold hands as they nursed tandem. I giggled when the third baby would try to crawl into my lap and push a baby out of the way. I cried tears of joy when each baby latched.  I also writhe in pain a significant amount of time because I have Raynauds (think sharp, burning pain during the latch and hours following).

  This process is bittersweet.  I have been pregnant or nursing for more than 6 years.  In the early months after the babies were born I was not ready to say our family was complete. Some women just know and I envy that clarity.  But as the babies have grown it has become more clear (although not yet crystal clear) that I am done. My uterus is closed.  So that means no more nursing babies in my future. I likely wouldn't even be entertaining the idea of weaning if #4-6 had only been #4. She likely would have been my longest nursing child. But it's not so simple to keep nursing for sentimentality or even nutritionally when there are THREE wanting it. I know moms who extended breastfed their trio and I think it is wonderful. But it is not the right decision for me, for this season, or even for my whole family. It is time for me to take care of my body, to replenish it from the years of growing babies, of sustaining life, and providing the nourishment for 6 lives in addition to my own.  

Big change 3: the babies are 2 weeks from their first birthday. Ok, so this isn't technically a change. But today we took family and 1 year photos so this has definitely been on my mind. In the midst of taking photos Bonnie clapped for the first time. All 3 babies sat up for a long time like pros.  Yesterday in the tub Bonnie and Abby tried pulling up and Betsy was basically tryin to swim, head under and all.

 Where are my little babies who once fit so easily 3 across in my arms?  It is surreal.

God's goodness and Betsy

God is good y'all! (And yes, this northern girl did, in fact, say y'all)

On the 16th is the anniversary" of discovering my singleton pregnancy was in fact a trio. On the 14 they will be 6mos old. I'm celebrating 12 days of exclusively nursing Abby (except for a one night get away with Taylor). And the best of all Betsy is smiling, laughing, and squealing for the first time since August! 

Betsy has had a raw neck for about two months, maybe longer. For a while we treated it as strep and yeast. Then it was eczema. Then it was eczema that becMe infected. 5 different types of antibiotics in 5 weeks. She had an allergic reaction to one drug.

The dermotolgist and pediatrician had different opinions about what it was and how to treat it. All the while Betsy was miserable. She had crying spells that lasted hours, usually in the middle of the night. She was doing Occupational Therapy and her therapist noted that she fought raising her arms, her shoulders were stuck to her neck. She was a wreck. Well, her skin has cleared up drastically. She is smiling more than she has in her short little laugh. She talks to herself, squeals actually, all day long. Nearly six months old and I feel like I am just seeing this other side of Bitsy Betsy.

I should add she had also had reflux for quite sometime and was a fitful eater.

Betsy's ability to nurse has been non-existent.  I have written about this in past blogs. Essentially I didn't put her to breast until 3 weeks. She was so small and fought it so I didn't spend much time working on it.  In July I discovered she had tongue/lip tie. We began doing myofacial with an  occupational therapist and I visited with Cathy, a LC. Betsy definitely had an aversion to my breasts. My goal for Betsy would be for her to be able to be at my breast without crying. I accomplished this goal 12 days ago, it took about 45 minutes.

 I assumed Betsy would never latch and nurse. Two out of three ain't bad, right?

Yesterday Betsy was "released" from OT. Her shoulders were no longer glued to her neck, she was laughing Everytime we raised her arms. The rash or Whatever she had was even getting in the way of that! I had a thought in the back of my head that maybe now that her skin had cleared she would nurse.  So, today on a whim I gave it a shot.

An older friend from church was over to help however I needed her to. She was outside playing with the big girls when Betsy woke from her nap. I thought I would try to nurse her and would try it outside. Peaceful. Calm. She screamed at me.

Doesn't matter how many times a baby refuses to nurse it sucks every single time. No pun intended. I wasn't going to give up but I decided to move the production inside. She pitched a fit for a few minutes. And then she stopped and just left my nipple in her mouth. All the while I sang to her. And then she did it, she began to nurse. Like, really nurse. I couldn't believe it. I began to cry.

And then she pitched another fit. But then she nursed again. I began to pray "thank you Lord. Thank you for answered prayers. Thank you for your faithfulness."  She nursed and pitched a fit for a while. Then she stopped, looked at me and grinned. She was done. She was satisfied. She nursed!  She nursed again later. I was in the midst of cooking dinner so we nursed sitting on the kitchen floor and nursed flipping burgers.

And she just went with it. My Betsy is nursing. My Betsy who cried just being at my breast is nursing. My Betsy who I resigned to the likely fact would never nurse is nursing. My Betsy who gave us a scare in the womb is nursing.  My Betsy whose cord was barely attached to her very small portion of a shared placenta is nursing. My Betsy who is just beginning to smile, laugh and squeal for the first time in months is nursing. My Betsy is nursing!

God is good. God was good. He was good when Betsy fussed. He was good when she screamed at my breast. He was good when I fed her milk from another mom.  He was good when we couldn't figure out what was wrong with her neck and arms. He has always been good. He is just finding more ways to show me how good He is. God is good!

A Mother's Guilt

Yesterday was a hard day. I took the babies to see a dermatologist because they all had varying degrees of a horrible red rash. Betsy was the worst. She was having 1-2 hour crying fits at least once a day and usually in the middle of the night. Out in public I could just feel the judge mental stares.  

So like I said, we went to see a dermatologist. I filled out the paper work, always in triplicate for triplets, in like 3 minutes. Each page becoming increasingly sloppier. I mention the paperwork because I think I spent more time on that than with the doctor.  His diagnosis was eczema.

 He took a swab from Betsy because hers looked infected.  So after our super quick appointment I realized I still had two hours with a babysitter. I dropped off the prescription which would take 1.5 hours to fill. Went to Whole Foods for a probiotic, and still had 1.15 hours left! So the babies and walked around Towne Center, the wether was wonderful. A passerby asked "are your triplets meant to be?"  Ummm....yes???

Fast forward to arriving home. The babies and the big kids were all "starving" by now.  I fixed bottles and put their antibiotics in each, made lunch for the big girls, once bottles were finished I started applying two different creams to the babies, and then it was bedtime for all.  All the while my boobs were saying "pump us, it's been over 6 hours!"

Poor Betsy was miserable. Yesterday she needed to be a singleton. She needed my physical touch. Fortunately Abby and Bonnie easily fell asleep and stayed that way long enough for me to get a lot of snuggles in with Betsy. A mother'a guilt is so strong. In that little window of time with her I cried because I knew I could not give her what she needed, lots of one in one with me.  Two nights ago as she was lying in my bed she would not stop crying. I put my hand on her side, she grabbed my finger and we simultaneously drifted to sleep. She spent the rest of the night within arms reach of me so I could easily place a hand on her when she began to cry again. It was not always an easy victory and I was not always so "oh Betsy you are so sweet" sometimes I was a "go the f&"@ to sleep" mom.  

Betsy fell asleep in my arms a lot, she covered me in medicine and spit up. Eventually she left me put her down and she had a few hours of undisturbed sleep. 

When she woke I resumed holding her and then thought that maybe I could trying getting her to nurse. She fought it, just as she had done Everytime prior since I brought her home from the hospital. I began weeping. I apologized to her that I did not advocate more for her in the Nicu, that she was over two weeks old before she was ever put to breast, that I was scared to nurse her because I never had such a small baby, that I didn't do enough. I managed to get her to suck once or twice, she hadn't really done that before. I managed to have her lay peacefully at my exposed breast, she hadn't been able to do that for months, she had an aversion to my breasts not even to nursing. Then I managed to get her to fall asleep at my breast, a real sign of her comfort and trust. I cried. This was a major milestone for both of us. 

Abby has been least affected by the eczema and so I got it in my head that he would latch today. Like Betsy, she developed an aversion to my breasts. But unlike Betsy she was given the opportunity to nurse within 48 hours of her birth. I worked with her when we got home. For a while she was my best nurser. Then she would only latch during my let down and then scream after. Eventually she would not come near my breasts. No amount of tricking her would work.  I recalled a suggestion offered by another mom that I use a syringe. So I unwrapped one of the many syringes I just got from the pharmacy for their meds and I filled it with milk. For 2.5 hours I worked with her to latch. After 45 minutes I decided she would not get a bottle. We were both working too damn hard and making really good progress to "throw it away" by offering a bottle. At one point I remember my friend and LLL leader Ivy's suggestion to sing. She latched immediately. It didn't last but a suck or two. But she latched. That was a victory. Each time I squirted the smallest of drops of milk from the syringe Ito her mouth she latched and took a few sucks. I continued squirting a little and she reciprocated with a few sucks. Again I cried. I apologized that I didn't give her a chance to get good. I prayed for peace over her body. After two hours I asked God to reward her for amazing patience. We went at least another 30 minutes with never more than 2-3 shallow sucks at a time.  Eventually she fell asleep in my arms, skin to skin. I don't know if she was exhausted or if she was satisfied. I took it as a win. No bottle was offered. 

I was unsure how the rest of the night would go. I was flying solo at night and the next day. I knew I didn't have it in me to go another 2 hours of the latching dance but I didn't want to lose what web ha worked so hard for. Abby woke an hour later, I was still awake so I offered her the breast. She fought it but only for a brief moment. I could only get her to latch if she was basically dangling down, any other position an she wouldn't do it. I held my breast firmly making it as easy as possible for her to get as much of me in her mouth and make the process a little easier for her. She did it. Eventually I was able to release my right squeeze. She nursed herself to sleep. A few hours later she woke again. I offered again, this time side lying. She latched. She ate. She returned to sleep. Four hour later she woke again. She nursed. She played. She fell back asleep. 

I'm not sure the course of my nursing journey with triplets. I know what my dream goal would be: tandem and bottle feed and rotate. It may be possible. I am hopeful. The babies are 5.5 months, Abby had not latched in over two months.  I would love to be able to nurse Betsy, I would love to be able to give that to her.  And I believe it would do wonders for the unforgiving and relentless thing we call a mother's guilt. Of course, it will find it's way in another way.

Life is good, God is great.

I sat down yesterday and did our budget. Didn't look pretty. This time last year I would have likely had several break downs, had an internal fight with myself about going back to work full-time, and suggested to my husband to sell one of our two vehicles. But this time my reaction was different. Am I comfortable with how things look, not really. Did I let out a nervous laugh, yep. This time my reaction was: how can I make things stretch. So I took inventory of my food, actually took written inventory. We have our typical proteins: beef, chicken, hambone (from Evi'e 1st birthday) and fish. In fact we have quite a bit, thanks to my brother-in-law's near obsession with fishing! with my inventory in hand I started googling recipes, it didn't make the cut if it would require me to go shopping. Our next three meals look pretty good: broiled tuna steak with Chinese 5 spice marinade, ham and potato soup, and tilapia & scallop with garlic cream sauce. YUM!!!! Easy recipes and good food aside, I feel that not working fulltime is what God wants for me right now. So during this time we are trusting that things will be taken care of. We have to rest in that.

In other news, I did a major clean and organization today. What turned into sorting socks resulted in cleaning out a closet, a bedroom, and our upstairs living room. At one point Taylor said to me, "That closet looks great because everything that was in it is now all over the bedroom floor!" So am I really cleaning and organizing if I'm merely moving the chaos into another room? It does give me the feeling of accomplishment, so long as I don't go into the room that the stuff has just been dumped into! But really, I did manage to clean up all the messes (or nearly all) I made today. I went basically non-stop from about 11pm til 4! Whether or not Taylor helped me wasn't really an issue, I just wanted him near by. But he did offer, so periodically I gave him tasks. And of course at times Evelyn and Lucy completely emptied out drawers and shelves, only adding to the chaos. But that's ok.


Before Evie takes her nap and goes to sleep for the night we always try to read books, sometimes she chooses. This afternoon she selectd Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs. This book has always been so special to me, while I did not have an up or downstairs nana, I did have a next door Grammy. I didn't think much of it when she put it in my hands and plopped down in my lap, it had been many years since I had read the book all the way through so I wasn't sure what to expect. Half way through the book the boy's great-grandmother, nana upstairs, passed away. Immediately I began to cry. Evie, tenderly looked at me as I tearfully finished the book.

Life is good. God is great.

Chickens

The important thing that I learned about writing is that I have to do it even when I don't think I have anything to write about. So at times you may encounter randomness.

Today with my other mom friends we talked about money and budgeting, as we usually do. We all get by without assistance, for some it's harder than others. Some of us could qualify for aid, but don't use it. This has been something I've been thinking about for a while. So I asked them, if you qualified would you apply? One friend said her pride wouldn't let her. I could see that. I would be conflicted if we can make it without the aid but qualify for it can and should we use it? Would I be taking advantage of the system? What would you do?

Along the lines of budgeting we discussed food, particularly raising chickens. I think I may have convinced my husband that we should get chickens! I was told I need to do my research. I'm very excited at the possibility. We only be allowed to have 3 within city limits. Apparently they produce 1 egg a day. The girls and I go through nearly 3 dozen eggs in about 10 days. I can definitely see this as something that will save us money! I will share the research that I find. If I am really feeling ambitious perhaps I'll share the building of the coop, their roaming area, feed we choose, etc.

All this talk of chickens has me very eager to return to my research!