Changes

The changes in my children today hit me like a ton of bricks.  

Big Change 1: This morning Lucy came rushing into our room and exclaimed "Evie has a tooth that is loose."  Evie has been imagining losing tooth forever. She has asked on numerous occasions to go to the dentist so he can pull out her teeth.  On any other day I would have brushed it off as another made up reality but not today.  She is 5.5 a loose tooth is very much a real possibility. I was excited, perhaps not as much as Lucy or Evie.  

Them as the day went on it dawned on me that she actually has a loose tooth, there will very soon be a gap in her mouth.  When she got her first baby tooth i got sad because I knew her smile would never be the same. For the last 4 years or so I have grown to love her little girl smile. But in a matter of days, maybe weeks, her smile will change and it will never be the same. I'm not a huge fan of the few big teeth among baby teeth, it's such an awkward yet unavoidable stage of life.  Fortunately Evie's mouth is easing me into this next phase because it's a bottom tooth.  

Big change #2: Today I started weaning the babies. (Keep your opinions about that to yourself).  I told myself if I could make it to a year of nursing/pumping that I would stop and that would be OK.  This will likely be longest weaning process ever so as to avoid mastitis.  It has been such a long, challenging, draining, exhausting, painful, journey. I am glad I pushed to get the babies to nurse but it was not easy.  I am not sure I would do it all again. But I also don't know what else I would have done instead.  I enjoyed seeing the babies hold hands as they nursed tandem. I giggled when the third baby would try to crawl into my lap and push a baby out of the way. I cried tears of joy when each baby latched.  I also writhe in pain a significant amount of time because I have Raynauds (think sharp, burning pain during the latch and hours following).

  This process is bittersweet.  I have been pregnant or nursing for more than 6 years.  In the early months after the babies were born I was not ready to say our family was complete. Some women just know and I envy that clarity.  But as the babies have grown it has become more clear (although not yet crystal clear) that I am done. My uterus is closed.  So that means no more nursing babies in my future. I likely wouldn't even be entertaining the idea of weaning if #4-6 had only been #4. She likely would have been my longest nursing child. But it's not so simple to keep nursing for sentimentality or even nutritionally when there are THREE wanting it. I know moms who extended breastfed their trio and I think it is wonderful. But it is not the right decision for me, for this season, or even for my whole family. It is time for me to take care of my body, to replenish it from the years of growing babies, of sustaining life, and providing the nourishment for 6 lives in addition to my own.  

Big change 3: the babies are 2 weeks from their first birthday. Ok, so this isn't technically a change. But today we took family and 1 year photos so this has definitely been on my mind. In the midst of taking photos Bonnie clapped for the first time. All 3 babies sat up for a long time like pros.  Yesterday in the tub Bonnie and Abby tried pulling up and Betsy was basically tryin to swim, head under and all.

 Where are my little babies who once fit so easily 3 across in my arms?  It is surreal.

A Mother's Guilt

Yesterday was a hard day. I took the babies to see a dermatologist because they all had varying degrees of a horrible red rash. Betsy was the worst. She was having 1-2 hour crying fits at least once a day and usually in the middle of the night. Out in public I could just feel the judge mental stares.  

So like I said, we went to see a dermatologist. I filled out the paper work, always in triplicate for triplets, in like 3 minutes. Each page becoming increasingly sloppier. I mention the paperwork because I think I spent more time on that than with the doctor.  His diagnosis was eczema.

 He took a swab from Betsy because hers looked infected.  So after our super quick appointment I realized I still had two hours with a babysitter. I dropped off the prescription which would take 1.5 hours to fill. Went to Whole Foods for a probiotic, and still had 1.15 hours left! So the babies and walked around Towne Center, the wether was wonderful. A passerby asked "are your triplets meant to be?"  Ummm....yes???

Fast forward to arriving home. The babies and the big kids were all "starving" by now.  I fixed bottles and put their antibiotics in each, made lunch for the big girls, once bottles were finished I started applying two different creams to the babies, and then it was bedtime for all.  All the while my boobs were saying "pump us, it's been over 6 hours!"

Poor Betsy was miserable. Yesterday she needed to be a singleton. She needed my physical touch. Fortunately Abby and Bonnie easily fell asleep and stayed that way long enough for me to get a lot of snuggles in with Betsy. A mother'a guilt is so strong. In that little window of time with her I cried because I knew I could not give her what she needed, lots of one in one with me.  Two nights ago as she was lying in my bed she would not stop crying. I put my hand on her side, she grabbed my finger and we simultaneously drifted to sleep. She spent the rest of the night within arms reach of me so I could easily place a hand on her when she began to cry again. It was not always an easy victory and I was not always so "oh Betsy you are so sweet" sometimes I was a "go the f&"@ to sleep" mom.  

Betsy fell asleep in my arms a lot, she covered me in medicine and spit up. Eventually she left me put her down and she had a few hours of undisturbed sleep. 

When she woke I resumed holding her and then thought that maybe I could trying getting her to nurse. She fought it, just as she had done Everytime prior since I brought her home from the hospital. I began weeping. I apologized to her that I did not advocate more for her in the Nicu, that she was over two weeks old before she was ever put to breast, that I was scared to nurse her because I never had such a small baby, that I didn't do enough. I managed to get her to suck once or twice, she hadn't really done that before. I managed to have her lay peacefully at my exposed breast, she hadn't been able to do that for months, she had an aversion to my breasts not even to nursing. Then I managed to get her to fall asleep at my breast, a real sign of her comfort and trust. I cried. This was a major milestone for both of us. 

Abby has been least affected by the eczema and so I got it in my head that he would latch today. Like Betsy, she developed an aversion to my breasts. But unlike Betsy she was given the opportunity to nurse within 48 hours of her birth. I worked with her when we got home. For a while she was my best nurser. Then she would only latch during my let down and then scream after. Eventually she would not come near my breasts. No amount of tricking her would work.  I recalled a suggestion offered by another mom that I use a syringe. So I unwrapped one of the many syringes I just got from the pharmacy for their meds and I filled it with milk. For 2.5 hours I worked with her to latch. After 45 minutes I decided she would not get a bottle. We were both working too damn hard and making really good progress to "throw it away" by offering a bottle. At one point I remember my friend and LLL leader Ivy's suggestion to sing. She latched immediately. It didn't last but a suck or two. But she latched. That was a victory. Each time I squirted the smallest of drops of milk from the syringe Ito her mouth she latched and took a few sucks. I continued squirting a little and she reciprocated with a few sucks. Again I cried. I apologized that I didn't give her a chance to get good. I prayed for peace over her body. After two hours I asked God to reward her for amazing patience. We went at least another 30 minutes with never more than 2-3 shallow sucks at a time.  Eventually she fell asleep in my arms, skin to skin. I don't know if she was exhausted or if she was satisfied. I took it as a win. No bottle was offered. 

I was unsure how the rest of the night would go. I was flying solo at night and the next day. I knew I didn't have it in me to go another 2 hours of the latching dance but I didn't want to lose what web ha worked so hard for. Abby woke an hour later, I was still awake so I offered her the breast. She fought it but only for a brief moment. I could only get her to latch if she was basically dangling down, any other position an she wouldn't do it. I held my breast firmly making it as easy as possible for her to get as much of me in her mouth and make the process a little easier for her. She did it. Eventually I was able to release my right squeeze. She nursed herself to sleep. A few hours later she woke again. I offered again, this time side lying. She latched. She ate. She returned to sleep. Four hour later she woke again. She nursed. She played. She fell back asleep. 

I'm not sure the course of my nursing journey with triplets. I know what my dream goal would be: tandem and bottle feed and rotate. It may be possible. I am hopeful. The babies are 5.5 months, Abby had not latched in over two months.  I would love to be able to nurse Betsy, I would love to be able to give that to her.  And I believe it would do wonders for the unforgiving and relentless thing we call a mother's guilt. Of course, it will find it's way in another way.