Friday, December 12, 2014
Joy
Thursday, November 13, 2014
A prayer for restoration and healing
The last few weeks have been very challenging, emotionally and mentally. I've been battling negative thoughts, harboring resentment, and the like. My temper has been short, at best. My compassion seems to have taken a sabbatical. I have not been caring for the big girls in the way I know I have been called to do. I have most definitely been unkind and unforgiving to myself and my body. This only perpetuates a cycle of emotional and mental lows, resentment, and a kind of care that my girls do not deserve. Just yesterday I told my sister that I felt like I was intentionally poisoning myself by what I was feeding my body. Not with actual poison control poison. ;) In the last day or so I have been asking The Lord to help me find joy again. I have asked Him to deal with my negative thoughts. Two nights ago I decided to embark on a healthier way to eat; one that should help restore me physically which will no doubt help with the emotional component. For the first time, last night, I asked The Lord to help me take better care of myself. Of course self care and good health both emotionally and physically won't change on a dime. It has just been one day of a new way of thinking about how I nourish my body and I had a headache all day. Of course! Ha! But my entire being needs it and deserves it. My children and my husband deserve a healthy (body, mind, and soul) mom and wife.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Bonnie is at it again!
When I was pregnant I wasn't sure I even wanted to nurse. After they were born I wasn't sure all of them would even be able to nurse. If you had told me this would be my breastfeeding journey I am pretty certain I would NOT have embarked on it.
These 6.5 months have been hard. I used pumping as a refuge when I could not face my family, my house, my other responsibilities. Pumping, as much as I had my days and weeks where I hated it, allowed me to maintain my supply and take 5+ months to get each baby to nurse. My disdain for it fueled my desire to get those little babies to latch. There were days I could not even bring myself to put on the pumping bra. I would just sit for upwards of an hour for the strength and energy to do it.
Measuring out feedings is horrible to a mom's confidence and just brings forth doubt. Too much. Too little. You will make them sick with that much. They won't thrive if you don't give them more. Every. Single. Time I made bottles I was unsure. 8-10 bottles a day x 3. That is too much doubt for any mom.
So, I guess now a new chapter begins. All 3 can nurse. All 3 can take bottles. And of course they all started nursing when teething began. It is a blessing because the boob is an easier soother. It's a curse because they gnaw, yank, and wrestle with it. This weekend it's just me and the babies. Taylor took the big girls to visit his family. What good timing. So I can lose sleep at night and rest during the day. When they return I will reasses. As I am typing this I am brainstorming ways to nurse these babies, get a bit of sleep, and not got bonkers on my older three because I am sleep deprived. I think it also means we need to connect the queen to the king bed because there is just not enough room for 3 nursing and semi mobile babies, me and Taylor (when he joins us on his days off).
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
God's goodness and Betsy
Saturday, September 27, 2014
A Mother's Guilt
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Seeing God as Creative
Recently, Taylor, the girls, and I went to the Zoo. Whenever we go to the Zoo I think "man, God is creative." I mean, have you seen a giraffe or a peacock lately? Does that not scream creativity?
Friday, August 22, 2014
Breast Feeding Triplets- My Journey So Far (4mos)
- Before they were born I was developing schemes for how to sneak donor milk into the NICU and I was trying to decide if I should risk pumping with three babies in utero. I waited to pump until the night before my section and I went into labor about 30 minutes later. Glad I waited, LOL!
- Despite countless requests that I have a breast pump immediately following my cesarean, one was not brought to me until almost 10 hours post birth. That's pathetic! And that's counter productive to a mom wanting to establish her supply. Still in and out of a sleep coma (stadol knocked my socks off) I managed to hook myself up to the pump, turned as fast and as strong as I could take it and I began to pump. Twenty five minutes and I produced maybe 2ml TOTAL and about half of that was blood. Yet I took it with me to the NICU. I still thought about how I would bring milk in from home but it was stressing me out. I decided I would pump as often and as long as I could and in the meantime the girls would get formula with a few drops of my breastmilk. This was not a time to have any kind of dilemma or guilt trip about what I was feeding them. My babies were feeders and growers, they just needed to learn to eat and then we could go home. If giving them formula did that the quickest, I was on board.
- The girls were born on a Monday night. By Thursday night my milk came in. I brought in about 12oz of milk and the neonatologist made a comment that the milk truck had arrived. By day 5 my girls were 100% on my milk, plus a little bit of fortification. Success.
- The coming weeks I practiced putting them to the breast. I used the nipple shield because that's how they latched best. And then I worried that the nipple shield would somehow sabotage things. An informative and kind LLL told me there is no "setting myself up for failure" when nursing preemie triplets. I just do what I need to do. I was told it could take weeks, even months and that was ok.
- Lactation came to my house to work on latch. I developed a plan to try to nurse the same baby all the time until she became really good. Then move onto the other two babies. This lasted for about a week or two. Betsy fought it. Even after nursing for 30-40 minutes they were unsatisfied.
- Then PPD hit. I didn't want to pump. I didn't want to nurse. I didn't want to do formula. Not ideal for needing to feed three babies. My "compromise" was that I refused to nurse. I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was a chore just to pump, they were "horrible" at nursing, but it's what I did. That decision worried my OB a bit. I got on meds, talked through some things with my husband and my OB, as well as some supportive friends, and started thinking about nursing again.
- I started to see pumping as my refuge. I could steal away, if I wasn't home alone, for 15-20 minutes and pump. It was about this time that I started pumping for 25-30 minutes mainly so I could be alone that much longer. Pumping started growing on me.
- Once I started to embrace pumping I realized I needed to get a better system in place in my house. If I wanted to pump more often and help my supply I would need a second pump. Lucky for me insurance covers the purchase of two electric pumps and the rental of a hospital grade. Score! So I bought the Freemie pump just for the parts that I can wear under my clothes.
- Just a few weeks ago someone suggested I look into whether the girls have tongue or lip tie. They did, infact, have tie. So two weeks ago we began Occupational Therapy for myofacial release. It was during one of those appointments that I decided I would try nursing again.
- Last week I met with lactation again. We both agreed that Abby and Betsy have a negative assocation with my breasts, not even with nursing, my breasts, ESPECIALLY Betsy. (no ""shoulda, coulda, woulda" comments allowed) She recommended I set a goal to where the girls can lay at my exposed breast, with no intent to nurse, and not cry. It's a little sad when I sit and let myself think about it. But I'm just trying to chalk it up to, "that's life with triplets." Once they can do that then maybe I will play around with dripping breastmilk on my breasts so the babies realize they can get milk there and then maybe move toward nursing. I told her that I Think I am ok with 2 out of the 3 nursing and the other getting bottles.
- Yesterday I started putting Bonnie back to breast more often. She is my "best" nursing baby, as in she only screams a little before she latches. But she latches and she can get a full feed. Today she was only eaten at the breast, except for the 9AM feeding because I got to sleep in. This is HUGE! I realized that if I want just one baby to nurse better and more often I need to see the baby as an individual and not part of triplet package deal. If I had just one baby that was hungry and dinner needed to be made in the Ergo she would go to nurse and off to the kitchen I would go. If I needed to go to the store and it might intersect with a feed then she would come with me. So this afternoon I took Bonnie and the big girls to the store. She got fussy, as I knew she would so I nursed her while we were shopping. It's not anything new to me, so it's not that difficult. The downside to this method is I skipped two pumping sessions because Bonnie was nursing. On the flip side the milk I pumped earlier in the day lasted a little longer because one less mouth was being fed. And if I found myself in a situation where I needed milk, thank the Lord for donor milk.
It's all about being flexible and taking care of myself. Right now what I have the energy and peace to do is nurse my little Bonnie whenever she wants. If it takes either of the other two girls 3 more months to be able to latch that's OK. My goal from the beginning was breastmilk. It didn't necessarily have to be mine and didn't have to come straight from the tap.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
I don't know what I don't know, so next time I will be (TRY) more thoughtful
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
I couldn't do it
"You're made for it"
"I would go crazy"
I have heard and seen these things said/written about and to me since we discovered we were expecting the triplets. In the last week or so I sort of had an "ahha" moment. Never in my wildest dreams did I think raising triplets was something I was made for or something I could do or even wanted to do. I have seen friends with twins and the first thing that always ran through my mind was "I couldn't" and "I don't want to." I never in my wildest dreams wanted multiples. And yet, here I find myself with the eldest of my trio laying next to me, another sleeping at the foot of my bed, and the third grunting in the crib.
I am no more special, equipped, or strong than any other mother out there.
After I had Josie, my 3rd baby, I thought she would break me. I remember sending my parents off to the airport and I just cried in my mom's embrace. She said, "You will just develop grit. You won't have a choice, you will just do what needs to be done." It's almost like those words were spoken to prepare me for the unthinkable, triplets.
Monday afternoon I had an appointment with my OB. I have been struggling with PPD and we spent quite a bit of time exploring all the different things on my mind, my struggles, my resentments, my hardships, etc. He said, "You are so strong. I couldn't do it." I replied, "But you would and you could. If you found yourself in my shoes you would just do it. If anyone has any shred of compassion for human kind you would care for all these kids and babies."
For whatever reason God chose my husband and I. It is not because we can do it, because we are strong, because we are laid back, because we don't care if our house gets dirty, and all the other reasons people have said why we are in this position. He did not choose us because we are equipped to handle something like this. I don't think God ever picked anyone who was equipped. Rather He equipped those He called. People have also said, "God never gives you more than you can handle." That's a total lie. If I could handle it then I wouldn't lose my shit on a daily basis. If I could handle it I wouldn't lay on my bed totally defeated just listening to the cries of my three babies. If I could handle it I would brush my teeth more than 2 or 3 times in a WEEK. Yes, I said in a week. Honestly, I think if I could handle it we would not have been given triplets. I think God never gives us more than He can supply us with strength, patience, love, and so on. Does that make sense?
I'm by no means super or amazing, or no more so than any other mom out there. Most days I am just barely making it. I am not doing anything that any of you wouldn't do if the same situation presented itself in your life. Before we ever got pregnant with triplets I couldn't do it. Many days I find myself not wanting to do it. And yet, here I am doing it, some days better than others. Some days are full of tears. Some days I don't want to hold another darn baby. Some days I want to stay at a hotel and not return...for a really long time. Some days with exhausted and sad tears in my eyes I say "shit! we have 3 babies." Some days while laughing and in amazement I say, "holy crap, we have 3 babies." Some days I can't stop taking pictures of them because it is all so unbelieveable. Some days I just want to cuddle them. Whatever kind of day it is I do it. Right now I feel like I do it because I have to and I would feel bad leaving them with someone else to care for them, it's a lot to handle. Whatever the day I love them immensely and thank God for them.
Don't sell yourself short. You are amazing. You are strong. You may not want to do it but you could and you would.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
My Triplet Birth Story
This pregnancy was no different. We were pretty sure that bay #4 was “IT” for us. When we first go married I wanted 4, he wanted 3. After Josie I wanted 3 and he wanted 4. Given the fact that we were discussing timing it was obvious that we both wanted 4. It wasn’t long after finding out the news that I contacted my midwife and told her we would be needing her assistance for a second HBAC in late May. I was in a group on facebook for HBAC moms and was so eager to share another homebirth story and this time have beautiful photos of another peaceful birth.
At a prenatal visit around 25w I told my OB that just a week prior I was ready to just have him cut me open and take the babies out. Carrying triplets is no walk in the park.
My doctor knew Baby A could come at anytime and the epidural was taking a while to set in so they tilted the table back and my feet were in the air. My OB said, “Hannah, I’m not sure you ever imagined you would be in this position pregnant with triplets.” We both laughed. A few seconds like that and we were all prepped for surgery and I was so relieved.
Next came Baby B (11:55PM), crying her little lungs out and again everyone cheered. They showed her to me and I got close enough to give her a kiss but in an instant she too was whisked away. Next came Baby C (11:56PM), she was silent and I knew that to mean she was having trouble breathing and so I was not surprised when she was not shown to me. Taylor immediately went to the adjoining room to be with the babies and my doula stayed by my side. My OB was thrilled to tell me that my placenta looked fabulous, my uterus was in great shape, and the bleeding was fortunately not an issue. He said once he removed Baby A both the other girls shot head first for my cervix. It was in this moment that I internally questioned my decision for the cesarean. He stitched me up with a double layer suture. Throughout the procedure the nurses, the other attending OB and my OB commented on how amazing it was that I carried the babies to 34w, how healthy my insides were and how healthy the babies were.