I don't know what I don't know, so next time I will be (TRY) more thoughtful

“If I can do it then you can do it” and “If that had been me I would have _____”  These are two phrases we hear pretty often.  You have probably heard me say them too.  It’s only been in the last few weeks that those phrases have not been sitting well with me.  I do believe that the many times I see friends or strangers using these phrases it is coming from a good place.  But I think it is important to think how these phrases might be received.  We don’t have to stop using them but maybe we can be more thoughtful about when we use them.  Let me give you a few examples so you can see my heart behind it all.

I hear a lot from friends and strangers “If Hannah can (breast feed three babies) then I (or you) should be able to do it with my one child.”  (And really you can substitute any example into the phrase).  When a statement like that is said we don’t consider the individual mother or the child.  Does the child have tie?  Does the mom have overactive let down?  Does the mom have IGT?  Does the baby have severe reflux?  Perhaps the mom has PPD and is so paralyzed by it that she can’t even bring herself to hold her own baby.  How does using one mom’s success (or failure for that matter) help someone else?  It can make a mom feel small.  It can make a mom feel like she is a failure.  It can even cause resentment between mom and child.  I know this because I have felt small, felt like a failure, and have had resentment show its face between myself and my babies.  I know this because this phrase in one form or another has been said to me.  I know this because friends have told me that this phrase makes them feel this way. 

Another version of this phrase that I hear often is “I don’t need help to watch my kids.  I do it all by myself.  I even cook, clean, and go to the park.”  I KNOW 95% of the time that this is said it is to help a mom who is nervous about what life with a new baby will bring. It is meant to be encouraging.  But what about the mom who can’t.  What about the mom dreading going to bed knowing she will have to do the SAME thing over again the next?  What about the mom who finds herself screaming more than she is laughing with her kids? What about the mom whose husband has worked 13 straight days with 1 day off for as long as they have had kids?  What about the mom who doesn’t have family to help?  (For the record if your mom or sister comes to help and you don’t pay that’s the same thing as someone who doesn’t have that luxuary and has to pay for help.)  To the moms who can do it, wonderful!  To the moms who need help, wonderful!  If you need help with one child, wonderful!  If you can do it alone with 8, wonderful! 

Now for the other phrase, “If that had been me then I would have.”  I call this “coulda, shoulda, woulda” or “it’s easy to know what we would do when we aren’t in the situation and we have already seen how it played out” phrase.  Recently I shared about a mom who refused a cesarean, the doctors knocked her out and cut her hip to hip and even managed to give the baby a 2 inch cut on her face in the process.   One person commented something like, “My husband would have not let that happen.  He would have been tearing the room apart.”  I cannot speak to this mom’s horrible situation. But I can speak to my own experiences to know it is NOT that simple.  The two times I have had cesareans my husband had to wait in another room while I was being prepped.  A LOT can happen in those few moments.  When I went under the knife the first time and when my healthy babies were whisked away after my recent cesarean it was not because my husband (or myself)let them , we did NOT let the doctor cut me, he did NOT let them take the babies away.  My husband felt paralyzed.  My husband believed everyone was acting in the best interest of me and my babies.  And what would my husband have accomplished by yelling, screaming, kicking over tables while his wife is cut open?  Making statements like this is insulting and hurtful to the mother but also to the father.   When I see comments like this I want to say, “the next time (or the first time) your husband is left in the hall while you are laying naked on an OR table go ahead and make blanket statements about other people’s husbands.”  Or “the next time your husband, who is only used to healthy babies that immediately go to your chest, sits watching as your baby is taken from your abdomen, while you HIS WIFE is still naked and paralyzed on a table, and the baby is whisked away into another room.”  Does he leave his naked and paralyzed wife?  Does he go to his baby who was whisked away not knowing if the baby is OK and believing the army of people caring for the baby will act in its best interest?  It is so easy to say what we would do when we aren’t the ones in a situation.  It’s easy to say what we would do until we are laying naked and paralyzed and feeling completely vulnerable, when we can’t tell if we can trust anyone.  The men and women in situations like this are not weaker than you, they don’t care less than you do for themselves, each other, or their child.

We have all seen and heard these statements and we have likely all said them ourselves.  As I said before, I’ve used them from time to time.  I’m not saying we shouldn’t use them.  I’m not saying people aren’t well intentioned.  What I am saying is perhaps next time we find ourselves about to type or say something like this is for a brief moment think about who is on the receiving end.  Will it uplift her?  Will it change the past?  Could is push a mom who is already depressed into deeper depression?  Could it make her feel less than?  Of course, we cannot possibly know how people will respond to our words and it is unrealistic to police our every word.  But we can pause before we speak.  We can look at situation and consider whether a mother is allowing herself to be vulnerable and then be a little more delicate with our words.

 Believe me, I can name countless situations after a mom has shared something hard with me and in an effort to show my support I said “I’d be so pissed.  I would have kicked him.”  It happens.  And sometimes my girlfriends appreciate it.  But sometimes they don’t.  Sometimes I have to watch my words.  And sometimes if a friend gets mad or offended by my well intentioned words I just have to take it because I don’t know.

I hope you could follow my line of thinking because as I was writing this I was tending to my children and eating lunch.  My heart is not that we police our words.  My heart is that we acknowledge that we just don’t know.

And sometimes you leave your 4 month old to cry because your 19 month old took off a poop filled diaper in her bed, smeared it all over and even managed to eat some.   Just Sayin.