"I couldn't do it"
"You're made for it"
"I would go crazy"
I have heard and seen these things said/written about and to me since we discovered we were expecting the triplets. In the last week or so I sort of had an "ahha" moment. Never in my wildest dreams did I think raising triplets was something I was made for or something I could do or even wanted to do. I have seen friends with twins and the first thing that always ran through my mind was "I couldn't" and "I don't want to." I never in my wildest dreams wanted multiples. And yet, here I find myself with the eldest of my trio laying next to me, another sleeping at the foot of my bed, and the third grunting in the crib.
I am no more special, equipped, or strong than any other mother out there.
After I had Josie, my 3rd baby, I thought she would break me. I remember sending my parents off to the airport and I just cried in my mom's embrace. She said, "You will just develop grit. You won't have a choice, you will just do what needs to be done." It's almost like those words were spoken to prepare me for the unthinkable, triplets.
Monday afternoon I had an appointment with my OB. I have been struggling with PPD and we spent quite a bit of time exploring all the different things on my mind, my struggles, my resentments, my hardships, etc. He said, "You are so strong. I couldn't do it." I replied, "But you would and you could. If you found yourself in my shoes you would just do it. If anyone has any shred of compassion for human kind you would care for all these kids and babies."
For whatever reason God chose my husband and I. It is not because we can do it, because we are strong, because we are laid back, because we don't care if our house gets dirty, and all the other reasons people have said why we are in this position. He did not choose us because we are equipped to handle something like this. I don't think God ever picked anyone who was equipped. Rather He equipped those He called. People have also said, "God never gives you more than you can handle." That's a total lie. If I could handle it then I wouldn't lose my shit on a daily basis. If I could handle it I wouldn't lay on my bed totally defeated just listening to the cries of my three babies. If I could handle it I would brush my teeth more than 2 or 3 times in a WEEK. Yes, I said in a week. Honestly, I think if I could handle it we would not have been given triplets. I think God never gives us more than He can supply us with strength, patience, love, and so on. Does that make sense?
I'm by no means super or amazing, or no more so than any other mom out there. Most days I am just barely making it. I am not doing anything that any of you wouldn't do if the same situation presented itself in your life. Before we ever got pregnant with triplets I couldn't do it. Many days I find myself not wanting to do it. And yet, here I am doing it, some days better than others. Some days are full of tears. Some days I don't want to hold another darn baby. Some days I want to stay at a hotel and not return...for a really long time. Some days with exhausted and sad tears in my eyes I say "shit! we have 3 babies." Some days while laughing and in amazement I say, "holy crap, we have 3 babies." Some days I can't stop taking pictures of them because it is all so unbelieveable. Some days I just want to cuddle them. Whatever kind of day it is I do it. Right now I feel like I do it because I have to and I would feel bad leaving them with someone else to care for them, it's a lot to handle. Whatever the day I love them immensely and thank God for them.
Don't sell yourself short. You are amazing. You are strong. You may not want to do it but you could and you would.
