Evelyn's Birth Story

Birth is important to me. It's important that a mother has control and choice over her body, her experience, and what she wants for her. It is not fair to have another person, namely a doctor, exert their will, power, or "expertise" upon a mother.

I was devastated when Evelyn had to be born via c-section. Perhaps I should change the "had" in the previous sentence to "made to." At the point in my labor the c-section was by no means necessary. I was a victim of an unnecessarian. Several times since her birth I have sat down to write her birth story and haven't been able to do it. I think I can do it now.

It's been over two years. So I likely won't remember it in sequential order. But I will be able to recount the big moments that shaped the experience.

I began my maternity leave on Friday, October 30. I had plans to give out candy at my house the next day with some friends. Around 11pm Friday night I had a feeling that things might happen. I asked Taylor if he would be going to bed soon and proceeded in that direction. I wasn't in bed for many than 2 hours when I woke up feeling as though I had peed my pants. Taylor was still awake. I went to the bathroom and felt a small gush and saw some blood. Somewhat calmly, but with some excitment and nervousness, I yelled to Taylor, "umm...I think my water just broke." Needless to say he ran down the hall, met me in the bathroom and said, "really!" Immediately he called his mom. I was a little disappointed because i still hadn't bought my labor snacks. She suggested we go to the hospital. I had remembered hearing that you didn't really have to go in immediately, but first time baby jitters and excitement I guess. I asked if we could go to the store first so i could get my snacks, my idea was shot down! So I packed up what snacks we had and had his mom bring some too, as she would be meeting us at the hospital since my oldest sister would not be coming into town until Sunday.

It was raining rather hard. Contractions were coming rather frequently, perhaps 2 minutes apart. But I didn't really feel as though I couldn't manage them. I had the wherewithall to put a towel down on the seat so as to not stain it. so the contractions couldn't have been that bad. I called my mom, which was about 2 am Cleveland time. I didn't expect her to answer, I was just going to leave a message. She answered, I think she knew what I was calling about. I told her, "I'm not sure this is it, but I think my water broke." She replied in her sweet motherly way, "Oh Hannah. This is it. It's happening." I also texted my two friends, Laura and Bonnie, just to let them know it was happening.

I told Taylor to drop me off, I could check myself in. The nurses at the station seemed a bit annoyed that I had to pause in between answering questions and no one offered that I sit or anything. Should have been a redflag. I was admitted into a room and the first thing they did was sit me on my bed to set up a hep-lock. It took a few tries and dripping my blood down my arms and legs. Again, another red flag. I was getting rather annoyed.

My contractions felt like they were pretty close together, but they weren't all that intense. But I thought things would go rather quickly. I was hoping for a Halloween baby because I had brought a pumpkin outfit to put her in. Taylor very sweetly brought all of our labor loot up to the room: radio, ball, bags, etc. A little while later his mom showed up. I think at this point I decided to get on the birth ball and I used the bed to rest on, do sudoku and other mind games. Around 4am or so Laura and Bonnie showed up. We were surprised. in hindsight, I'm not sure what any of us were thinking to have that happen. but we were all excited, that's for sure. They brought magazines and sat quietly on the floor. i think a few times I heard them comment about how I was handeling the contractions. They stayed for maybe an hour or so. The contractions were starting to hurt a bit more and so I thought that maybe getting in the tub would be good. Iwas also done with visitors, so it worked to ask them to leave.

It took a long time to set up the tub and they couldn't get the water warm enough. Fortunately there was another tub in the hospital that we were able to use. Once I got in it felt so amazing! I told Taylor to sleep, and i just sat in the tub. I was annoyed with the TV because the remote only had up and down options. It was also at this time that I put in my CD of Christian music for labor that I had created. It was now early morning and I was exhausted. several times my mother-in-law said my name because she was worried I would fall into the water sleeping. And well, there were times in which my immersed face woke me up.

After quite sometime in the tub they suggested I take a break. Contractions had slowed down a little bit, but not really slow enough for concern. I had remembered that my friend Hannah had spent a lot of time walking and by the time it had come to push she was exhausted. So I was trying to be mindful of how I reserved my energy. We basically decided to do a rotation: walk, rest, nipple stimulation/pressure point. We did this for several hours. At one point my mother in law was rubbing my feet and I was doing nipple stimulation, definitely a unique experience =) Periodically, my mother in law stepped out to give my mom an update. It was usually positive, but it was always the same dilation: 2-3 centimeters.

During one of my vaginal checks the nurse seemed to be spending more time than usual. I began screaming and crying. What the hell had she done to me. I can still hear myself yelling "OUCH!" I know for a fact that I frightened her. I was still 3cm, it had been at least 18 hour or so at this point. At this time also she had me on my back, strapped to the monitor. It was horrendous. She said the baby was having decels. Before I knew it she put a breathing mask on me. Again, what the hell. I started crying again and threw the mask off. Very calmly my mother-in-law explained that the baby was having some difficulty and so the best thing we could do was give me some good air to then give it to the baby. After that explanation I immediately put the mask back on. I was fine with that, but why the hell couldn't that damn nurse treat me like a human being and explain things to me? I tried laying on my side, I knew being on my back was not ideal. She gave me such a hard time about that. Your baby's heart beat is bad when you lay like that. Oh and beign on my back is better, I thought to myself. I probably spent an hour or so laying on the bed. She seemed annoyed that I was uncomfortable, that I was in pain. DUH! After a while I finally said to her, I want to get on the ball. Her response was very ignorant: "your baby isn't doing well, we need to be able to monitor her. You can't get on the ball." I wasn't about to be polite, so quite rudely and matter of factly I said, "I need to get on that ball and my doctor is just fine with me getting on it." She left to see if it was ok. A few minutes later, very unpleased with the situation, she "let" me get on the ball. And what do you know Evelyn's hear tones returned to normal and they were able to get consistent reads. Hello, ignorance!


Sometime passed and she came back in for another check. I began to cry and feel sick as soon as she indicated she would check me again. I laid down and was sobbing. As she got closer I screamed out. I couldn't get myself to open my legs. I couldn't get myself to calm down. I was yelling/sobbing "No!" If my first outburst didn't traumatize her, then this one surely did. Taylor asked her to step out for a minute. Crying, I told him and my mother in law that I couldn't have her check me again. I can't remember who asked our nurse for someone else. My nurses response was: "It's going to hurt no matter who does it. And you won't really know how much you've progressed." My response was, "I don't care." During the first horrible check with her there happened to be another nurse in the room, so she saw how I reacted. It was this nurse that did the check the second time. And wouldn't you know it, I was calm, relaxed, and didn't make a single sound. In my mind I was praying for progess because I knew the next thing would likely be pit. I was 4. we had passed the 24 hour mark, easily.

After all of this I did some laps around the floor, went down stairs, etc. At one point my doctor came to visit us, she knew what my dilation was but she never said anything about interventions, I was so relieved. well after the 24 hour mark the nurse started talking about pitocin, it may have been suggested by the doctor? I wasn't sure. But we had decided we would see if it could kick the contractions back into gear. Afterall, my contractions had basically stalled out for many, many hours. I was really scared about the pitocin. I sat on the bed watching the nurse try to operate the pit machine for almost 30 minutes. I kept thinking, God is giving me more time. I'm sure it was the machine, but it didn't make my nurse look very competent. Finally she got the machine to work and hooked me up. I had a lot of pain in my back. By the way, it was now Sunday morning. I spent several hours at the foot of the bed on the ball. The sun had risen, I was exhausted. Taylor was helping me do crosswords. A random nurse came in during a contraction and immediately stepped in and said, "relax your face, it will help. just relax." and what do you know, I handled those next few painful back contractions like a champ. Where was this nurse or a similar nurse for the past 30 some hours?

Around 8 or 9 am, is what I'm guessing I had a new nurse and my doctor was around. We started talking about where to go. The nurse checked me again. She said I was maybe 4cm. no progress again. She also wasn't that encouraging when she said, "maybe 4cm." I told the doctor I didn't want any interventions yet. I asked if I could get back in the tub, and she said sure. But the nurse very strongly objected. She thought it would be wise to do some monitoring to determine just how strong the contractions were. (this part is very hazy with regard to what happened when). They asked what I wanted, and I told them I wanted to deliver vaginally but I was exhausted and I started to cry. We asked that they all leave so Taylor and I could talk. I was exhausted. I was wheepy. I was over all not in a good place. In my mind I could hear people judging me for my decisions and felt like in some way I had let them down. I coudl also hear people saying, "I told you you wouldn't be able to do it naturally" (looking back, why the hell would someone say that? inconsiderate, negative, and so non-supportive, especially coming from another woman). Taylor and I decided we would get the epidural in hopes of still having a vaginal delivery.

So the anaesthesiologist came in. he hardly acknowledged me. I was lone with the doctor and nurse, upset, sad, and scared for my life. I didn't want the damn epidural to kill me. Laying on my side in an awkward curled like position he told me "now you can't move." ok, so now I'm scared even more that if i do move I'm screwed. once the epidural kicked it I was miserable. I could feel every single ache and pain in my body. My neck and back were throbbling. They also put in an internal fetal monitor. I was able to periodically fall asleep, that was nice. Before I knew it the doctor came in and said, "We're ready." I was thrilled, I was going to birth this baby. but those positive thoughts vanished as quickly as they came to my mind, when she told me we would have to do a c-section. Mind you NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING indiciated any kind of stress on myself or the baby. within minutes I was being rolled into the operating room just crying and crying. And these were not tears of joy. Everything was ok. Why were doing this? Yet I felt so helpless. I didn't feel as though I could object. People would definitelly be judging me now.

The operating room was so bright and so impersonal. It was cold too. I opened my eyes long enough to see that Taylor was sitting next to me, but otherwise they were shut. I was scared. Every little sensation I was reporting it because I did not want them cutting me open or ripping out my baby and be able to feel it. I'm sure I drove them crazy with my, "I can feel ________, am I supposed to?" My doctor was kind during the process. She apologized. She said, 'of all my patients I wanted this the least for her. she really didn't want this. I am sorry." Before I knew it I heard crying. Taylor left my side and went to see the baby. They gave her him and she immediately stopped crying, she knew her daddy had her. The nurse had to tell me i could open my eyes. It's awkward being with your baby for the first time with arms out on the table, no sensation, and no power. Then they put Evelyn on my chest and the nurse told me I could move my hands and arms to hold the baby. Immediately my anger, disappointment, and sadness disappeared. I began crying tears of joy, my Evelyn was finally here. She stayed on my chest until we bathed her back in our room.

The nurse was so helpful to me to get Evelyn to latch. She did so well. It was amazing. Back in the room it was just me and Evelyn in her little hat that I made her, wrapped in her own afghan, and the nurse was cleaning some things up. I asked her, "so does this mean I can't ever have a vaginal birth?" It was then that I learned that once a c-section always a c-section was not true. As the hours passed I was having difficulty with nursing and the helpful nurse had left. I remember at two different times I asked for help and the new nurses response was, "you and your baby just need to get used to each other." WHAT!!!! Dumbass, that's not going to help at all. how about show me how to hold my baby so she can latch.

***
In hindsight I realize that my doctor wasn't really on board or comfortable with natural birth. I think her idea of natural birth meant hands off, no suggestions, no support. I think with more support, with people giving me suggestions things would have ended very differently.

Friends and family, in an attempt to comfort me (I guess) said the only difference between my experience and theirs was where the baby came out and it wasn't that big of a deal. To me it was and it still is. It is something that I want, that I deserve, and that should happen. Birth is important to me. All of it is an experience. It shapes the child and it shapes the parent. A mother should have control over her body. It's her right. A mother should not have to fight to get quality care, especially not when she is in the throws of labor. Birth is important. A mother's rights are important. i can't think of the words to articulate what is so heavy on my heart. So I will just say it again, Birth is important. A mother's rights are important.

Years of prayers, answered.

I have not been diligent about posting. It makes me kind of sad. But I am doing it now, so I suppose that will have to do.

For the past few months we have been attending the Vineyard Church. Often times it is just me and the girls because of Taylor's shift work, which usually means I am by myself (well until my friend Melissa and her husband arrive). Anyway, during one of the songs during worship I found myself starting to cry. I couldn't really put my finger on why and then I realized this has been happening often to me during worship. Then it dawned on me that perhaps this is my time of release. My time to just let things go. To just simply sit in God's presence. Today, I almost felt as though his arms were wrapped around me. All I can say is that God is so good. He is faithful.

For those of you that don't know, I've been very turned off to organized religion. At one point I thought there was no way I'd ever go back to any congregation. Every congregation is run by a man/woman and so like it or not there is going to be unrighteousness, unholiness, hypocrisy, etc ...doesn't matter who you are, what group you are affiliated with, that's just how it is. And unless you're God your place and your group is gonna have issues. So it didn't matter where I went I was turned off.

I also have not been willing to go just anywhere. I wanted a place with an established children's church, contemporary worship, solid teachings, welcoming community, small groups that fit my current need, laid back, people who remembered who i was from week to week, inclusive of a variety of teachings/interpretations, and a place where I could feel free to be myself. So like I said, God is faithful!

Life is good, God is great.

I sat down yesterday and did our budget. Didn't look pretty. This time last year I would have likely had several break downs, had an internal fight with myself about going back to work full-time, and suggested to my husband to sell one of our two vehicles. But this time my reaction was different. Am I comfortable with how things look, not really. Did I let out a nervous laugh, yep. This time my reaction was: how can I make things stretch. So I took inventory of my food, actually took written inventory. We have our typical proteins: beef, chicken, hambone (from Evi'e 1st birthday) and fish. In fact we have quite a bit, thanks to my brother-in-law's near obsession with fishing! with my inventory in hand I started googling recipes, it didn't make the cut if it would require me to go shopping. Our next three meals look pretty good: broiled tuna steak with Chinese 5 spice marinade, ham and potato soup, and tilapia & scallop with garlic cream sauce. YUM!!!! Easy recipes and good food aside, I feel that not working fulltime is what God wants for me right now. So during this time we are trusting that things will be taken care of. We have to rest in that.

In other news, I did a major clean and organization today. What turned into sorting socks resulted in cleaning out a closet, a bedroom, and our upstairs living room. At one point Taylor said to me, "That closet looks great because everything that was in it is now all over the bedroom floor!" So am I really cleaning and organizing if I'm merely moving the chaos into another room? It does give me the feeling of accomplishment, so long as I don't go into the room that the stuff has just been dumped into! But really, I did manage to clean up all the messes (or nearly all) I made today. I went basically non-stop from about 11pm til 4! Whether or not Taylor helped me wasn't really an issue, I just wanted him near by. But he did offer, so periodically I gave him tasks. And of course at times Evelyn and Lucy completely emptied out drawers and shelves, only adding to the chaos. But that's ok.


Before Evie takes her nap and goes to sleep for the night we always try to read books, sometimes she chooses. This afternoon she selectd Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs. This book has always been so special to me, while I did not have an up or downstairs nana, I did have a next door Grammy. I didn't think much of it when she put it in my hands and plopped down in my lap, it had been many years since I had read the book all the way through so I wasn't sure what to expect. Half way through the book the boy's great-grandmother, nana upstairs, passed away. Immediately I began to cry. Evie, tenderly looked at me as I tearfully finished the book.

Life is good. God is great.

Chickens

The important thing that I learned about writing is that I have to do it even when I don't think I have anything to write about. So at times you may encounter randomness.

Today with my other mom friends we talked about money and budgeting, as we usually do. We all get by without assistance, for some it's harder than others. Some of us could qualify for aid, but don't use it. This has been something I've been thinking about for a while. So I asked them, if you qualified would you apply? One friend said her pride wouldn't let her. I could see that. I would be conflicted if we can make it without the aid but qualify for it can and should we use it? Would I be taking advantage of the system? What would you do?

Along the lines of budgeting we discussed food, particularly raising chickens. I think I may have convinced my husband that we should get chickens! I was told I need to do my research. I'm very excited at the possibility. We only be allowed to have 3 within city limits. Apparently they produce 1 egg a day. The girls and I go through nearly 3 dozen eggs in about 10 days. I can definitely see this as something that will save us money! I will share the research that I find. If I am really feeling ambitious perhaps I'll share the building of the coop, their roaming area, feed we choose, etc.

All this talk of chickens has me very eager to return to my research!

Taking care of me, back on the writing train!

Still figuring out how to do photos right, these are supposed to come at the end of the post.

Before kids and even before marriage I had a blog. If I wasn't blogging than I was writing long emails to family and friends or writing in my journal. I love to write. I haven't done much of it in the last few years, and I feel as though a part of me has been missing. In recent weeks my situation as changed. I am now just responsible for my own family. No more in-home child-care. I am so thankful to God for all He has provided my family so that I can just be a mom and a wife!

So with the change in my situation comes more time and less stress. I have found that I am more patient. I am more apt to sit and play with Evelyn without feeling as though something needs to get done. I am cooking each day, more than boiled chicken. For that, I'm sure my husband is happy! I have organized my craft closet, because crafts are the thing that can be "mine" during the day. All this positive speak may change, as it's just be a few days in this new "life" of mine.

I really can't take much credit for the energy, patience, and positive disposition. I am trying to make a point at having deliberate conversations with God. Outloud. He, of course, knows what I am thinking, but I believe He wants us to actually talk with Him. It can be therapeutic. By saying things outloud I believe we are "giving" things to Him. The other thing that has helped is the last two days I have made a conscious effort to spend time talking to God and reading some kind of Christian book before making phone calls or turning on the computer. It can take me quite a bit of time to make it through a few pages because I am making breakfast for the girls and I and tending to all their various morning needs. There have also been several Christian albums that have been playing in the background all day. Often times it is just background music, but periodically when I stop and actually listen it is just what I need.

Evelyn is used to having such music play in the background. On several occassions now I have heard her sing:"I need thee, I need thee, I need thee" as she plays. She is so sweet and has a tender heart.

I mentioned above that I've had more time for crafting. My newest craft endeavors are: 1) decoupage on vases 2)cards. Both crafts use my scraps of fabric, finally putting them to use!