In my previous pregnancies I took a lot for granted: of course there is always a heart beat, of course things grow and develop in utero as they should. I got pregnant and just waited until somewhere between 40-42 when the baby would be born. Never a second thought about bumps or risks along the way. And then I got pregnant with triplets. Then I began to realize how much I took for granted, or rather was just never part of my reality. One day the babies seemed fine and the next we were looking at an emergency procedure that had no guarantees. And then breathing a sigh of relief Everytime Sunday arrived, the babies and I had made it one more week. Never in a prior pregnancy did 24w, viability or vday as we call it, ever even enter my thinking. But when I hit vday with these girls I knew if they were born then they could live. The 34w was emotionally draining and physically demanding. I felt full terms when I was only 24w and I carried them 10 more long weeks.
The birth was not easy and recovering from a cesarean is hard. It is painful. And then my babies were under the care of strangers. They were highly qualified, but strangers none the less. I had never spent more than a moment away from my older girls once the were born. No one but me was ever responsible for their well being. And now these three babies that I grew in my womb I had to hand over the care of them to someone else. I experienced detachment. For nearly two weeks they never really felt like My babies.
And then came the day to day care of three little babies as well as caring for my older three, my husband, my marriage, my he, oh, and myself. There was worry about finding just the right kind of person to care for the babies, my older girls, help around the house. Letting go and trusting others was not easy. We went through a number of nanny/sitters to find just what fit our family and our needs. I was constantly re-evaluating our needs and what would be the best. I experienced exhaustion in a whole new way. I saw parts of me emerge that were not healthy. I struggled and continue to struggle with PPD. I have had more sicknesses in the past 14 months than I have likely had in the past 14 years. No joke. Daily I am worried about all my children, as every parent does. Yes, our Holidays will be filled with so much joy years from now, but it is hard right now. Little hearts are so sensitive and need a lot of tending to and new help adjusting to this new normal. Their world has been turned upside down and they need help navigating it, understanding and making sense of their emotions and actions. It is not easy.
This morning as the triplets were playing in the kitchen floor and smiling every time we made eye contact my heart said "it has been worth it." I will continue to be pushed to my limits, I will lose my wits, in the midst of it I will likely just go through the motions, and I may forget to find the joy in this season. Today, however, I am thankful that I can see and know joy from this season of my life.
