Not everyone will agree with me, that is ok, and my views and beliefs are shaped by how I was uniquely created by God and by my personal faith. Also, this will likely lack some cohesion. Just go with it.
Over the past few months I participated in a small group at my church in which we read and discussed unity and diversity in the Church. God has made each of us unique. He made us different colors, gave us different personailities, passions, gifts, talents and He Loves and needs each and everyone of us JUST AS WE ARE. He made me with a passion for advocacy, a gift of hospitality, a mom with a particular temperment, and so on. To ignore or minimize how I was made or how you were made is to minimize God's creation. If He wanted us all the same He would have done so. So God has been challenging me to see people as He made them, not how I think they should be. I have been saying a lot to my closest friends lately, "We need to listen to what others have to say. We need to hear their stories so that we can understand them, not so we can judge them." This is not easy and my heart and soul this past year (especially) has been so heavy.
I don't want to listen and understand others with varying perspectives; I just want to retreat to my safe space. I am not willing to do it on my own, at least not with the right motives and heart. Yet I feel to stay right where I am at I would not be honoring what God is asking me to do. I would not allow myself to grow more into who He has created me to be. Whew, not easy. I am thinking of ways to faciliate a space where I can hear the stories of others, stories that are different and maybe stories that would make me uncomfortable but stories that would allow me to begin to see others as people, as unique creations who are also immensely loved, treasured, and useful to God.
I read in a text from our small group at church that as long as there is sin there will be racism. Racism/prejudice/bigotry/etc are sin. We all have sin. Some of my sin is glaringly obvious to me and some is more subtle. Some of my sin I am not ashamed of...I laugh about it with friends. Some of my sin I want to keep hidden from everyone, even from myself. God has been teaching me lately that keeping sin or even just negative things hidden and in darkness doesn't allow for growth, for the sin to be addressed, for my heart or my actions to change. And it is not so that I can be good, I think it's bigger than that. I think it is so I can become a better version of who God has made me because that allows Him to do more through me.
I recently listened to Harper Lee's Go Set a Watchman. In the text Scout's Uncle talks to her about how she is a bigot, eventhough she and even the readers would think she isn't because she is progressive in her thinking. When I heard those words it was like God was piercing my heart. My heart and my person, the person God made me to be, is for justice, compassion, and mercy. However, in so many ways I am closed off and unwilling to extend compassion or even get to know people who see the world very differently from me. So, in my own way and because I have sin, I am a bigot. Whew.
I have biases. I lack understanding and sometimes that manifests into misguided fear, judgement, and even prejudice. I make sweeping generalizations about individuals and groups of people. I am quite certain that I am a racist. I don't think (and I hope) it is not overt or intentional. I certainly do not want to be any of these things. But I do not think I would be honest with myself if I denied that these sinful ways of thinking, feeling, and seeing the world did not exist in some way in my being. I am not sure it is harmful to at least consider that I am in some way prejudiced or a bigot. I also don't think I can say "Ok, today I will no longer be/think/act as a bigot or a racist. I wish that were the case. I need to be willing, and I am, to allow God to uncover all the thoughts, motivations, and actions that are not of Him or from Him. He began this process with me years ago. My year in graduate school had a profound impact on me and opened my eyes to all these really ugly thoughts I had NO clue were within me (the good, thoughtful, progressive, Christian woman). But by bringing some of these thoughts out of the darkness I have been able to look at their origin, challenge them, and begin to see others and things in a new way, a Holy way (for lack of a better term). It helped me begin to see others as God does, without judgement.
Recently, I was reminded of the adulterous woman and that all of these people were going to stone her for her sin. Jesus didn't command the people not to stone her. He just simply said, if you don't have sin then by all means cast the first stone. Eventually, no one was left except Jesus. No stones were thrown. Each person had sin.
Like I said when I began, not everyone will agree with me or even be able to relate. I wanted to keep this focused on me because I have insight into my heart and my actions. Plus, these are such personal issues, how could I even say what anyone else needs to do. I am pretty certain telling other people what to do, believe, and value is a contributing factor to our issues today. So, I hope in some way you have seen a bit of the desires (and struggles) of my heart and what I want for my life and even what I hope to teach my girls.
