A prayer for restoration and healing

The last few weeks have been very challenging, emotionally and mentally.  I've been battling negative thoughts, harboring resentment, and the like.  My temper has been short, at best. My compassion seems to have taken a sabbatical. I have not been caring for the big girls in the way I know I have been called to do. I have most definitely been unkind and unforgiving to myself and my body. This only perpetuates a cycle of emotional and mental lows, resentment, and a kind of care that my girls do not deserve.  Just yesterday I told my sister that I felt like I was intentionally poisoning myself by what I was feeding my body.  Not with actual poison control poison. ;) In the last day or so I have been asking The Lord to help me find joy again.  I have asked Him to deal with my negative thoughts. Two nights ago I decided to embark on a healthier way to eat; one that should help restore me physically which will no doubt help with the emotional component. For the first time, last night, I asked The Lord to help me take better care of myself.  Of course self care and good health both emotionally and physically won't change on a dime.  It has just been one day of a new way of thinking about how I nourish my body and I had a headache all day. Of course!  Ha!  But my entire being needs it and deserves it. My children and my husband deserve a healthy (body, mind, and soul) mom and wife. 

This is fire water: ACV, freshly squeezed lemon, salt, finger, pepper, cayenne and honey.

And because motherhood, with all it's joys, is damn hard.

Bonnie is at it again!

After a two month "sabbatical" Bonnie has decided that she would like to begin nursing again (just shy of 7mos).  So for the first time in their 6.5mos existence all three of my babies are nursing at the same time! 

When I was pregnant I wasn't sure I even wanted to nurse. After they were born I wasn't sure all of them would even be able to nurse.  If you had told me this would be my breastfeeding journey I am pretty certain I would NOT have embarked on it.  

These 6.5 months have been hard. I used pumping as a refuge when I could not face my family, my house, my other responsibilities. Pumping, as much as I had my days and weeks where I hated it, allowed me to maintain my supply and take 5+ months to get each baby to nurse.  My disdain for it fueled my desire to get those little babies to latch. There were days I could not even bring myself to put on the pumping bra. I would just sit for upwards of an hour for the strength and energy to do it.

Measuring out feedings is horrible to a mom's confidence and just brings forth doubt.  Too much. Too little. You will make them sick with that much. They won't thrive if you don't give them more. Every. Single. Time I made bottles I was unsure. 8-10 bottles a day x 3. That is too much doubt for any mom.

So, I guess now a new chapter begins. All 3 can nurse. All 3 can take bottles. And of course they all started nursing when teething began. It is a blessing because the boob is an easier soother. It's a curse because they gnaw, yank, and wrestle with it. This weekend it's just me and the babies. Taylor took the big girls to visit his family. What good timing. So I can lose sleep at night and rest during the day. When they return I will reasses.  As I am typing this I am brainstorming ways to nurse these babies, get a bit of sleep, and not got bonkers on my older three because I am sleep deprived. I think  it also means we need to connect the queen to the king bed because there is just not enough room for 3 nursing and semi mobile babies, me and Taylor (when he joins us on his days off).