A prayer for restoration and healing

The last few weeks have been very challenging, emotionally and mentally.  I've been battling negative thoughts, harboring resentment, and the like.  My temper has been short, at best. My compassion seems to have taken a sabbatical. I have not been caring for the big girls in the way I know I have been called to do. I have most definitely been unkind and unforgiving to myself and my body. This only perpetuates a cycle of emotional and mental lows, resentment, and a kind of care that my girls do not deserve.  Just yesterday I told my sister that I felt like I was intentionally poisoning myself by what I was feeding my body.  Not with actual poison control poison. ;) In the last day or so I have been asking The Lord to help me find joy again.  I have asked Him to deal with my negative thoughts. Two nights ago I decided to embark on a healthier way to eat; one that should help restore me physically which will no doubt help with the emotional component. For the first time, last night, I asked The Lord to help me take better care of myself.  Of course self care and good health both emotionally and physically won't change on a dime.  It has just been one day of a new way of thinking about how I nourish my body and I had a headache all day. Of course!  Ha!  But my entire being needs it and deserves it. My children and my husband deserve a healthy (body, mind, and soul) mom and wife. 

This is fire water: ACV, freshly squeezed lemon, salt, finger, pepper, cayenne and honey.

And because motherhood, with all it's joys, is damn hard.

Bonnie is at it again!

After a two month "sabbatical" Bonnie has decided that she would like to begin nursing again (just shy of 7mos).  So for the first time in their 6.5mos existence all three of my babies are nursing at the same time! 

When I was pregnant I wasn't sure I even wanted to nurse. After they were born I wasn't sure all of them would even be able to nurse.  If you had told me this would be my breastfeeding journey I am pretty certain I would NOT have embarked on it.  

These 6.5 months have been hard. I used pumping as a refuge when I could not face my family, my house, my other responsibilities. Pumping, as much as I had my days and weeks where I hated it, allowed me to maintain my supply and take 5+ months to get each baby to nurse.  My disdain for it fueled my desire to get those little babies to latch. There were days I could not even bring myself to put on the pumping bra. I would just sit for upwards of an hour for the strength and energy to do it.

Measuring out feedings is horrible to a mom's confidence and just brings forth doubt.  Too much. Too little. You will make them sick with that much. They won't thrive if you don't give them more. Every. Single. Time I made bottles I was unsure. 8-10 bottles a day x 3. That is too much doubt for any mom.

So, I guess now a new chapter begins. All 3 can nurse. All 3 can take bottles. And of course they all started nursing when teething began. It is a blessing because the boob is an easier soother. It's a curse because they gnaw, yank, and wrestle with it. This weekend it's just me and the babies. Taylor took the big girls to visit his family. What good timing. So I can lose sleep at night and rest during the day. When they return I will reasses.  As I am typing this I am brainstorming ways to nurse these babies, get a bit of sleep, and not got bonkers on my older three because I am sleep deprived. I think  it also means we need to connect the queen to the king bed because there is just not enough room for 3 nursing and semi mobile babies, me and Taylor (when he joins us on his days off).

God's goodness and Betsy

God is good y'all! (And yes, this northern girl did, in fact, say y'all)

On the 16th is the anniversary" of discovering my singleton pregnancy was in fact a trio. On the 14 they will be 6mos old. I'm celebrating 12 days of exclusively nursing Abby (except for a one night get away with Taylor). And the best of all Betsy is smiling, laughing, and squealing for the first time since August! 

Betsy has had a raw neck for about two months, maybe longer. For a while we treated it as strep and yeast. Then it was eczema. Then it was eczema that becMe infected. 5 different types of antibiotics in 5 weeks. She had an allergic reaction to one drug.

The dermotolgist and pediatrician had different opinions about what it was and how to treat it. All the while Betsy was miserable. She had crying spells that lasted hours, usually in the middle of the night. She was doing Occupational Therapy and her therapist noted that she fought raising her arms, her shoulders were stuck to her neck. She was a wreck. Well, her skin has cleared up drastically. She is smiling more than she has in her short little laugh. She talks to herself, squeals actually, all day long. Nearly six months old and I feel like I am just seeing this other side of Bitsy Betsy.

I should add she had also had reflux for quite sometime and was a fitful eater.

Betsy's ability to nurse has been non-existent.  I have written about this in past blogs. Essentially I didn't put her to breast until 3 weeks. She was so small and fought it so I didn't spend much time working on it.  In July I discovered she had tongue/lip tie. We began doing myofacial with an  occupational therapist and I visited with Cathy, a LC. Betsy definitely had an aversion to my breasts. My goal for Betsy would be for her to be able to be at my breast without crying. I accomplished this goal 12 days ago, it took about 45 minutes.

 I assumed Betsy would never latch and nurse. Two out of three ain't bad, right?

Yesterday Betsy was "released" from OT. Her shoulders were no longer glued to her neck, she was laughing Everytime we raised her arms. The rash or Whatever she had was even getting in the way of that! I had a thought in the back of my head that maybe now that her skin had cleared she would nurse.  So, today on a whim I gave it a shot.

An older friend from church was over to help however I needed her to. She was outside playing with the big girls when Betsy woke from her nap. I thought I would try to nurse her and would try it outside. Peaceful. Calm. She screamed at me.

Doesn't matter how many times a baby refuses to nurse it sucks every single time. No pun intended. I wasn't going to give up but I decided to move the production inside. She pitched a fit for a few minutes. And then she stopped and just left my nipple in her mouth. All the while I sang to her. And then she did it, she began to nurse. Like, really nurse. I couldn't believe it. I began to cry.

And then she pitched another fit. But then she nursed again. I began to pray "thank you Lord. Thank you for answered prayers. Thank you for your faithfulness."  She nursed and pitched a fit for a while. Then she stopped, looked at me and grinned. She was done. She was satisfied. She nursed!  She nursed again later. I was in the midst of cooking dinner so we nursed sitting on the kitchen floor and nursed flipping burgers.

And she just went with it. My Betsy is nursing. My Betsy who cried just being at my breast is nursing. My Betsy who I resigned to the likely fact would never nurse is nursing. My Betsy who gave us a scare in the womb is nursing.  My Betsy whose cord was barely attached to her very small portion of a shared placenta is nursing. My Betsy who is just beginning to smile, laugh and squeal for the first time in months is nursing. My Betsy is nursing!

God is good. God was good. He was good when Betsy fussed. He was good when she screamed at my breast. He was good when I fed her milk from another mom.  He was good when we couldn't figure out what was wrong with her neck and arms. He has always been good. He is just finding more ways to show me how good He is. God is good!

A Mother's Guilt

Yesterday was a hard day. I took the babies to see a dermatologist because they all had varying degrees of a horrible red rash. Betsy was the worst. She was having 1-2 hour crying fits at least once a day and usually in the middle of the night. Out in public I could just feel the judge mental stares.  

So like I said, we went to see a dermatologist. I filled out the paper work, always in triplicate for triplets, in like 3 minutes. Each page becoming increasingly sloppier. I mention the paperwork because I think I spent more time on that than with the doctor.  His diagnosis was eczema.

 He took a swab from Betsy because hers looked infected.  So after our super quick appointment I realized I still had two hours with a babysitter. I dropped off the prescription which would take 1.5 hours to fill. Went to Whole Foods for a probiotic, and still had 1.15 hours left! So the babies and walked around Towne Center, the wether was wonderful. A passerby asked "are your triplets meant to be?"  Ummm....yes???

Fast forward to arriving home. The babies and the big kids were all "starving" by now.  I fixed bottles and put their antibiotics in each, made lunch for the big girls, once bottles were finished I started applying two different creams to the babies, and then it was bedtime for all.  All the while my boobs were saying "pump us, it's been over 6 hours!"

Poor Betsy was miserable. Yesterday she needed to be a singleton. She needed my physical touch. Fortunately Abby and Bonnie easily fell asleep and stayed that way long enough for me to get a lot of snuggles in with Betsy. A mother'a guilt is so strong. In that little window of time with her I cried because I knew I could not give her what she needed, lots of one in one with me.  Two nights ago as she was lying in my bed she would not stop crying. I put my hand on her side, she grabbed my finger and we simultaneously drifted to sleep. She spent the rest of the night within arms reach of me so I could easily place a hand on her when she began to cry again. It was not always an easy victory and I was not always so "oh Betsy you are so sweet" sometimes I was a "go the f&"@ to sleep" mom.  

Betsy fell asleep in my arms a lot, she covered me in medicine and spit up. Eventually she left me put her down and she had a few hours of undisturbed sleep. 

When she woke I resumed holding her and then thought that maybe I could trying getting her to nurse. She fought it, just as she had done Everytime prior since I brought her home from the hospital. I began weeping. I apologized to her that I did not advocate more for her in the Nicu, that she was over two weeks old before she was ever put to breast, that I was scared to nurse her because I never had such a small baby, that I didn't do enough. I managed to get her to suck once or twice, she hadn't really done that before. I managed to have her lay peacefully at my exposed breast, she hadn't been able to do that for months, she had an aversion to my breasts not even to nursing. Then I managed to get her to fall asleep at my breast, a real sign of her comfort and trust. I cried. This was a major milestone for both of us. 

Abby has been least affected by the eczema and so I got it in my head that he would latch today. Like Betsy, she developed an aversion to my breasts. But unlike Betsy she was given the opportunity to nurse within 48 hours of her birth. I worked with her when we got home. For a while she was my best nurser. Then she would only latch during my let down and then scream after. Eventually she would not come near my breasts. No amount of tricking her would work.  I recalled a suggestion offered by another mom that I use a syringe. So I unwrapped one of the many syringes I just got from the pharmacy for their meds and I filled it with milk. For 2.5 hours I worked with her to latch. After 45 minutes I decided she would not get a bottle. We were both working too damn hard and making really good progress to "throw it away" by offering a bottle. At one point I remember my friend and LLL leader Ivy's suggestion to sing. She latched immediately. It didn't last but a suck or two. But she latched. That was a victory. Each time I squirted the smallest of drops of milk from the syringe Ito her mouth she latched and took a few sucks. I continued squirting a little and she reciprocated with a few sucks. Again I cried. I apologized that I didn't give her a chance to get good. I prayed for peace over her body. After two hours I asked God to reward her for amazing patience. We went at least another 30 minutes with never more than 2-3 shallow sucks at a time.  Eventually she fell asleep in my arms, skin to skin. I don't know if she was exhausted or if she was satisfied. I took it as a win. No bottle was offered. 

I was unsure how the rest of the night would go. I was flying solo at night and the next day. I knew I didn't have it in me to go another 2 hours of the latching dance but I didn't want to lose what web ha worked so hard for. Abby woke an hour later, I was still awake so I offered her the breast. She fought it but only for a brief moment. I could only get her to latch if she was basically dangling down, any other position an she wouldn't do it. I held my breast firmly making it as easy as possible for her to get as much of me in her mouth and make the process a little easier for her. She did it. Eventually I was able to release my right squeeze. She nursed herself to sleep. A few hours later she woke again. I offered again, this time side lying. She latched. She ate. She returned to sleep. Four hour later she woke again. She nursed. She played. She fell back asleep. 

I'm not sure the course of my nursing journey with triplets. I know what my dream goal would be: tandem and bottle feed and rotate. It may be possible. I am hopeful. The babies are 5.5 months, Abby had not latched in over two months.  I would love to be able to nurse Betsy, I would love to be able to give that to her.  And I believe it would do wonders for the unforgiving and relentless thing we call a mother's guilt. Of course, it will find it's way in another way.

Seeing God as Creative

Have you ever thought of or described God as being creative?  Tonight, following a leadership meeting at my church, The Baton Rouge Vineyard, a handful of people prayed over me regarding my family.  During that time of prayer the word "creative" came to mind.  Then later in the evening I resurfaced in a prayer group on facebook and posted a lengthy, stream of conscious, prayer request.  Again, the word creative came to mind.  In my daily life creative is not the word I commonly associate with God.

Recently, Taylor, the girls, and I went to the Zoo.  Whenever we go to the Zoo I think "man, God is creative."  I mean, have you seen a giraffe or a peacock lately?  Does that not scream creativity?

so then I began thinking, if God can be creative with animals then He can most definitely be creative in my family's stage of life.  So I prayed, God be creative.  

Here's the trick, I can pray and ask for God to be creative but I have to be willing to let go, stop trying to orchestrate, stop trying to figure out all the different scenarios, stop trying to please anyone who is not my family, drop any fear and anxiety.  I need to hear Him and listen.  I need to obey and follow.  I need to trust.  And I know if I were God I'd be thinking, "Hannah, are you kidding me?  You KNOW I can be trusted."  But you know what, He doesn't.  He just does what He does best: takes care of my every need and then some.

There is a sink full of dishes waiting for me.  If you haven't thought of God as creative then take a break and look out your car window, bedroom window, go to the Zoo, take a walk, visit a park.  Even a roly poly is pretty darn creative.  

Breast Feeding Triplets- My Journey So Far (4mos)

If I have learned one thing so far in my 4 month journey of breastfeeding triplets it's that flexibility is KEY!

• Before they were born I was developing schemes for how to sneak donor milk into the NICU and I was trying to decide if I should risk pumping with three babies in utero.  I waited to pump until the night before my section and I went into labor about 30 minutes later.  Glad I waited, LOL!
• Despite countless requests that I have a breast pump immediately following my cesarean, one was not brought to me until almost 10 hours post birth.  That's pathetic!  And that's counter productive to a mom wanting to establish her supply.  Still in and out of a sleep coma (stadol knocked my socks off) I managed to hook myself up to the pump, turned as fast and as strong as I could take it and I began to pump.  Twenty five minutes and I produced maybe 2ml TOTAL and about half of that was blood.  Yet I took it with me to the NICU.  I still thought about how I would bring milk in from home but it was stressing me out.  I decided I would pump as often and as long as I could and in the meantime the girls would get formula with a few drops of my breastmilk.  This was not a time to have any kind of dilemma or guilt trip about what I was feeding them.  My babies were feeders and growers, they just needed to learn to eat and then we could go home.  If giving them formula did that the quickest, I was on board.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• The girls were born on a Monday night.  By Thursday night my milk came in.  I brought in about 12oz of milk and the neonatologist made a comment that the milk truck had arrived.  By day 5 my girls were 100% on my milk, plus a little bit of fortification.  Success.
• The coming weeks I practiced putting them to the breast.  I used the nipple shield because that's how they latched best.  And then I worried that the nipple shield would somehow sabotage things.  An informative and kind LLL told me there is no "setting myself up for failure" when nursing preemie triplets.  I just do what I need to do.  I was told it could take weeks, even months and that was ok.
  
• Lactation came to my house to work on latch.  I developed a plan to try to nurse the same baby all the time until she became really good.  Then move onto the other two babies.  This lasted for about a week or two.  Betsy fought it.  Even after nursing for 30-40 minutes they were unsatisfied.  
• Then PPD hit.  I didn't want to pump.  I didn't want to nurse.  I didn't want to do formula.  Not ideal for needing to feed three babies.  My "compromise" was that I refused to nurse.  I couldn't bring myself to do it.  It was a chore just to pump, they were "horrible" at nursing, but it's what I did.  That decision worried my OB a bit.  I got on meds, talked through some things with my husband and my OB, as well as some supportive friends, and started thinking about nursing again.
• I started to see pumping as my refuge.  I could steal away, if I wasn't home alone, for 15-20 minutes and pump.  It was about this time that I started pumping for 25-30 minutes mainly so I could be alone that much longer.  Pumping started growing on me.  
  
• Once I started to embrace pumping I realized I needed to get a better system in place in my house.  If I wanted to pump more often and help my supply I would need a second pump.  Lucky for me insurance covers the purchase of two electric pumps and the rental of a hospital grade.  Score!  So I bought the Freemie pump just for the parts that I can wear under my clothes.  
  
• Just a few weeks ago someone suggested I look into whether the girls have tongue or lip tie.  They did, infact, have tie.  So two weeks ago we began Occupational Therapy for myofacial release.  It was during one of those appointments that I decided I would try nursing again. 
• Last week I met with lactation again.  We both agreed that Abby and Betsy have a negative assocation with my breasts, not even with nursing, my breasts, ESPECIALLY Betsy. (no ""shoulda, coulda, woulda" comments allowed) She recommended I set a goal to where the girls can lay at my exposed breast, with no intent to nurse, and not cry.  It's a little sad when I sit and let myself think about it.  But I'm just trying to chalk it up to, "that's life with triplets."  Once they can do that then maybe I will play around with dripping breastmilk on my breasts so the babies realize they can get milk there and then maybe move toward nursing.  I told her that I Think I am ok with 2 out of the 3 nursing and the other getting bottles.
  
   

• Yesterday I started putting Bonnie back to breast more often.  She is my "best" nursing baby, as in she only screams a little before she latches.  But she latches and she can get a full feed.  Today she was only eaten at the breast, except for the 9AM feeding because I got to sleep in.  This is HUGE!  I realized that if I want just one baby to nurse better and more often I need to see the baby as an individual and not part of triplet package deal.  If I had just one baby that was hungry and dinner needed to be made in the Ergo she would go to nurse and off to the kitchen I would go.  If I needed to go to the store and it might intersect with a feed then she would come with me.  So this afternoon I took Bonnie and the big girls to the store.  She got fussy, as I knew she would so I nursed her while we were shopping.  It's not anything new to me, so it's not that difficult.  The downside to this method is I skipped two pumping sessions because Bonnie was nursing.  On the flip side the milk I pumped earlier in the day lasted a little longer because one less mouth  was being fed.  And if I found myself in a situation where I needed milk, thank the Lord for donor milk.  
  
  
  
  

It's all about being flexible and taking care of myself.  Right now what I have the energy and peace to do is nurse my little Bonnie whenever she wants.  If it takes either of the other two girls 3 more months to be able to latch that's OK.  My goal from the beginning was breastmilk.  It didn't necessarily have to be mine and didn't have to come straight from the tap.

I don't know what I don't know, so next time I will be (TRY) more thoughtful

“If I can do it then you can do it” and “If that had been me I would have _____”  These are two phrases we hear pretty often.  You have probably heard me say them too.  It’s only been in the last few weeks that those phrases have not been sitting well with me.  I do believe that the many times I see friends or strangers using these phrases it is coming from a good place.  But I think it is important to think how these phrases might be received.  We don’t have to stop using them but maybe we can be more thoughtful about when we use them.  Let me give you a few examples so you can see my heart behind it all.

I hear a lot from friends and strangers “If Hannah can (breast feed three babies) then I (or you) should be able to do it with my one child.”  (And really you can substitute any example into the phrase).  When a statement like that is said we don’t consider the individual mother or the child.  Does the child have tie?  Does the mom have overactive let down?  Does the mom have IGT?  Does the baby have severe reflux?  Perhaps the mom has PPD and is so paralyzed by it that she can’t even bring herself to hold her own baby.  How does using one mom’s success (or failure for that matter) help someone else?  It can make a mom feel small.  It can make a mom feel like she is a failure.  It can even cause resentment between mom and child.  I know this because I have felt small, felt like a failure, and have had resentment show its face between myself and my babies.  I know this because this phrase in one form or another has been said to me.  I know this because friends have told me that this phrase makes them feel this way. 

Another version of this phrase that I hear often is “I don’t need help to watch my kids.  I do it all by myself.  I even cook, clean, and go to the park.”  I KNOW 95% of the time that this is said it is to help a mom who is nervous about what life with a new baby will bring. It is meant to be encouraging.  But what about the mom who can’t.  What about the mom dreading going to bed knowing she will have to do the SAME thing over again the next?  What about the mom who finds herself screaming more than she is laughing with her kids? What about the mom whose husband has worked 13 straight days with 1 day off for as long as they have had kids?  What about the mom who doesn’t have family to help?  (For the record if your mom or sister comes to help and you don’t pay that’s the same thing as someone who doesn’t have that luxuary and has to pay for help.)  To the moms who can do it, wonderful!  To the moms who need help, wonderful!  If you need help with one child, wonderful!  If you can do it alone with 8, wonderful! 

Now for the other phrase, “If that had been me then I would have.”  I call this “coulda, shoulda, woulda” or “it’s easy to know what we would do when we aren’t in the situation and we have already seen how it played out” phrase.  Recently I shared about a mom who refused a cesarean, the doctors knocked her out and cut her hip to hip and even managed to give the baby a 2 inch cut on her face in the process.   One person commented something like, “My husband would have not let that happen.  He would have been tearing the room apart.”  I cannot speak to this mom’s horrible situation. But I can speak to my own experiences to know it is NOT that simple.  The two times I have had cesareans my husband had to wait in another room while I was being prepped.  A LOT can happen in those few moments.  When I went under the knife the first time and when my healthy babies were whisked away after my recent cesarean it was not because my husband (or myself)let them , we did NOT let the doctor cut me, he did NOT let them take the babies away.  My husband felt paralyzed.  My husband believed everyone was acting in the best interest of me and my babies.  And what would my husband have accomplished by yelling, screaming, kicking over tables while his wife is cut open?  Making statements like this is insulting and hurtful to the mother but also to the father.   When I see comments like this I want to say, “the next time (or the first time) your husband is left in the hall while you are laying naked on an OR table go ahead and make blanket statements about other people’s husbands.”  Or “the next time your husband, who is only used to healthy babies that immediately go to your chest, sits watching as your baby is taken from your abdomen, while you HIS WIFE is still naked and paralyzed on a table, and the baby is whisked away into another room.”  Does he leave his naked and paralyzed wife?  Does he go to his baby who was whisked away not knowing if the baby is OK and believing the army of people caring for the baby will act in its best interest?  It is so easy to say what we would do when we aren’t the ones in a situation.  It’s easy to say what we would do until we are laying naked and paralyzed and feeling completely vulnerable, when we can’t tell if we can trust anyone.  The men and women in situations like this are not weaker than you, they don’t care less than you do for themselves, each other, or their child.

We have all seen and heard these statements and we have likely all said them ourselves.  As I said before, I’ve used them from time to time.  I’m not saying we shouldn’t use them.  I’m not saying people aren’t well intentioned.  What I am saying is perhaps next time we find ourselves about to type or say something like this is for a brief moment think about who is on the receiving end.  Will it uplift her?  Will it change the past?  Could is push a mom who is already depressed into deeper depression?  Could it make her feel less than?  Of course, we cannot possibly know how people will respond to our words and it is unrealistic to police our every word.  But we can pause before we speak.  We can look at situation and consider whether a mother is allowing herself to be vulnerable and then be a little more delicate with our words.

 Believe me, I can name countless situations after a mom has shared something hard with me and in an effort to show my support I said “I’d be so pissed.  I would have kicked him.”  It happens.  And sometimes my girlfriends appreciate it.  But sometimes they don’t.  Sometimes I have to watch my words.  And sometimes if a friend gets mad or offended by my well intentioned words I just have to take it because I don’t know.

I hope you could follow my line of thinking because as I was writing this I was tending to my children and eating lunch.  My heart is not that we police our words.  My heart is that we acknowledge that we just don’t know.

And sometimes you leave your 4 month old to cry because your 19 month old took off a poop filled diaper in her bed, smeared it all over and even managed to eat some.   Just Sayin.