A mom's body

It is hard not to be hard on myself for how I look.  Things are not tight or toned.  There is muscle, but it is hidden but sometimes it makes a brief appearance.  Since weaning the triplets my body has changed even more.  I've gained more weight and things have loosened even more.  But earlier today I shared a photo with other moms of my post baby body.  Six kids in 4.5 years would change ANY woman's body.  And so I have to tell myself that what I accomplished since I first got pregnant is an amazing thing.  What my body has done is no small feat.  It has also taken a beating.

February 2009: Pregnant with Evelyn.  I gained between 35-40#.  I had a 34 hour labor that ended in a cesarean that at the time was not medically necessary.  Within a week of bringing her home I developed mastitis.  So to remedy that I pumped and nursed simultaneously for over 6 months and nursed for 2 years.  We had to buy a full size freezer to store all the milk I made.  Already, my body was working overtime.

July 2010: only 8 months post partum with Evelyn and I got pregnant with Lucy.  I gained between 35-40# again.  I nursed her throughout the pregnancy.  With Lucy I had a 22 hour unmedicated VBAC.  I tandem nursed the two girls until Lucy was 6 months and Evelyn was two.  After Lucy I was bigger than I had ever been.  I was depressed.  From March (when Lucy was born) until about November I managed to lose about 75#.  The number on the scale wasn't my dream weight but I felt fabulous and so I was OK.  I nursed Lucy until she was about 13 months.

July 2011: I discovered I was pregnant with Josie.  This time I started my pregnancy nearly 20# less than the others and I was eating much better.  I still managed to gain the same 35-40#.  She was born at 39w at home with my midwife.  I started exercising about 3m post partum and felt really good.

September 2013: Josie was only 6 months old and I discovered I was pregnant with #4.  In October I discovered #4 was actually the triplets.  I continued to nurse Josie until 3 weeks shy of her first birthday/18 weeks pregnant with the triplets.  My body ached and hurt through most of the pregnancy.  But other than aches I had an uneventful pregnancy. I gained 60# and after the babies were born I put on another 5-7# due to water retention and BP issues.  I carried the babies to 34w2 when I went into spontaneous labor.  I had another cesarean.  Twelve hours after the babies were born I began pumping like my life depended on it.  those first few days I would pump 30 minutes at a time while only producing less than 1 ounce.  yet I pumped on.  I pumped for 6 months.  I nursed exclusively for 6 months.  I weaned the babies completely 2 weeks after they turned 1.  I managed to lose all my baby weight about 6 weeks before they turned one.  And then as I began to wean the weight started to come back. I am now about 1.5 weeks out from not nursing anyone.  My chest has changed dramatically.  My stomach seems to have expanded.  I went to the store to buy bigger clothes, a size that only a few months back I purged and donated to a local charity.  A girlfriend said it's better to be in clothes you don't spill out of. So I followed her advice. I feel good in them.  I just try not to pay attention to the size.

Anyway, so today I posted a photo of my post partum body and in the comment wrote: "6 babies in 4.5 years and I just weaned my triplets who are almost 13 months." Lately I have been feeling pretty down about myself.  It's my own insecurities and no amount of encouraging words from my husband, friends or strangers will change that.  That's ok.  But today as I posted that picture I had a strong sense of pride in my body. My body grew 6 babies and 3 of them at the same time!  My body produced nourishment for 6 babies for more than a year for each of them.  My body, my extra layers of skin and fat, my stretch marks, my scars, my stretched out chest, they all tell a story.  They tell a story of betrayal, trust, worry, fear, pain, joy, nourishment, life, and of blessings.

Just another morning

Two babies are strapped into their high chairs fussing.  They are mad at me because they eat their food at a faster rate than I can have more food cooled down and cut. Simultaneously Evie and Lucy are making their own bowls of cereal which surprisingly isn't making a huge mess. And then there is Josie sitting bare bottom on our dinning room table drinking milk right out of the carton. All the while Taylor is on the phone alternating with our home owners insurance and a hotel working out arrangements for next week.

Hotel? Insurance? What?  Yes, we are packing up and relocating to a hotel next week.  The plumbers are pulling up the floor in the kitchen and jack hammering the slab to get to the issue.  They are estimating it to be a 3 day job but they won't know for sure until it begins. 

Work begins Monday and so Monday we "move in" to a 2 bedroom/2bath suite at Hilton Homewood Suites. It comes with a full kitchen, a "dinning room", living room, 3 TVs, free hot breakfast and dinner, pool, etc.  one down side to this is I'm doing it solo since Taylor will be working his 3 nights.  But I think we will be OK. We have homeschool co-op Monday, Bible Study Tuesday and MOPs on Wednesday, plus the pool, novelty of a hotel, and did I mention 3 TVs?  Call me crazy but I am actually looking forward to it. 

Between now and then it's life as usual.  The big girls and I went to Home Depot for outdoor swings. We were a bit of a hot mess, between the four of us we had mismatched shoes, a leotard, sequin dress, and greasy hair.

(I didn't even realize I had mismatched shoes until we were at the store. I grabbed the first shoes I could find, of course they weren't matched, so I could play in the yard and protect my feet from stinging caterpillars. Then while we were out there I said, "let's go to Home Depot and get swings."  And so, there's the story of my shoes.)

 We had some stares and some comments, nothing bad "oh too cute" "little princess" and I think the first worker we saw thought we may have walked into the wrong store, lol.  Afterward we walked to the "chicken nugget store" and ate inside. Special treat!!

 Oh, I'm also having a garage sale at my house this weekend. That may be a little crazy but it feels sooo good to get crap out of the house and is even prompting me to clean out the attic. Lol.  There is very rarely a dull moment in our home. We just kind of roll with it and thankfully Taylor is usually on board with supporting my rearranging, organizing, and other such projects.

There are no tricks.

Just minutes ago I was nursing Abby and watched a memorial video for a fellow triplet mom who lost her 3 boys on 3/31/14 just days before viability and exactly 2 weeks before my girls were born.   As I watched the video so many thoughts ran through my mind: that could have very easily been me.  Why did it happen to that mom?  I broke Abby's latch and walked her up the stairs to return her to bed.  Halfway up the stairs  I squeezed her soft bare skin, held her face to mine and just sobbed.  

I cannot even imagine.  Since the Fall of 2013 I have come to know so many mothers of triplets who have lost 1 or all of their babies.  Some moms lost all 3 while still pregnant. Some gave birth to healthy 34w babies only to lose one days later.  While some moms have not lost any of their trio they struggle with chronic health issues, life threatening illnesses, surgery after surgery, months and months in the NICU, and much more.  

Months ago a newly pregnant mom of triplets joined our community of moms expecting in 2014.  In her introduction she said her provider had "tricks up her sleeve" to get her to 35+weeks with the babies.  There are no tricks in a triplet pregnancy.  

My babies and I did not make it to 34w because of anything I did.  The weekly meals of grassfed liver, smoothies with hemp, gallons upon gallons of whole milk, a caring and knowledgeable OB, staying active with my big girls, my previous healthy pregnancies; none of those things are why I carried the girls to 34w.  They are not the reason I had a short NICU stay with feeders and growers.  Did those things hurt?  Probably not.  But I know plenty of women who did all those things too and then some then found themselves praying desperately to stay pregnant until viability because then the babies could be cared for.  So many women had textbook, beautiful pregnancies until one day their placenta abrupted, or pre-e developed, or there was no longer a heartbeat.  There is no trick.  There is no secret.  There is nothing I did or did not do.

34w

Having virtually no control is terrifying and humbling.  I don't know why my pregnancy, the birth, and their first year went the way it did.  I am no more blessed, no more healthy, no more a better mother, no more strong in my faith, no more wise.  I did nothing.  I am nothing.  As I sit here writing this Psalm 139 once again comes to me, just as it did when I was only weeks pregnant with the girls. 

All I know to say to the Lord is Thank You.  

14w

Add caption

10 days old and holding all 3 for the first time

Changes

The changes in my children today hit me like a ton of bricks.  

Big Change 1: This morning Lucy came rushing into our room and exclaimed "Evie has a tooth that is loose."  Evie has been imagining losing tooth forever. She has asked on numerous occasions to go to the dentist so he can pull out her teeth.  On any other day I would have brushed it off as another made up reality but not today.  She is 5.5 a loose tooth is very much a real possibility. I was excited, perhaps not as much as Lucy or Evie.  

Them as the day went on it dawned on me that she actually has a loose tooth, there will very soon be a gap in her mouth.  When she got her first baby tooth i got sad because I knew her smile would never be the same. For the last 4 years or so I have grown to love her little girl smile. But in a matter of days, maybe weeks, her smile will change and it will never be the same. I'm not a huge fan of the few big teeth among baby teeth, it's such an awkward yet unavoidable stage of life.  Fortunately Evie's mouth is easing me into this next phase because it's a bottom tooth.  

Big change #2: Today I started weaning the babies. (Keep your opinions about that to yourself).  I told myself if I could make it to a year of nursing/pumping that I would stop and that would be OK.  This will likely be longest weaning process ever so as to avoid mastitis.  It has been such a long, challenging, draining, exhausting, painful, journey. I am glad I pushed to get the babies to nurse but it was not easy.  I am not sure I would do it all again. But I also don't know what else I would have done instead.  I enjoyed seeing the babies hold hands as they nursed tandem. I giggled when the third baby would try to crawl into my lap and push a baby out of the way. I cried tears of joy when each baby latched.  I also writhe in pain a significant amount of time because I have Raynauds (think sharp, burning pain during the latch and hours following).

  This process is bittersweet.  I have been pregnant or nursing for more than 6 years.  In the early months after the babies were born I was not ready to say our family was complete. Some women just know and I envy that clarity.  But as the babies have grown it has become more clear (although not yet crystal clear) that I am done. My uterus is closed.  So that means no more nursing babies in my future. I likely wouldn't even be entertaining the idea of weaning if #4-6 had only been #4. She likely would have been my longest nursing child. But it's not so simple to keep nursing for sentimentality or even nutritionally when there are THREE wanting it. I know moms who extended breastfed their trio and I think it is wonderful. But it is not the right decision for me, for this season, or even for my whole family. It is time for me to take care of my body, to replenish it from the years of growing babies, of sustaining life, and providing the nourishment for 6 lives in addition to my own.  

Big change 3: the babies are 2 weeks from their first birthday. Ok, so this isn't technically a change. But today we took family and 1 year photos so this has definitely been on my mind. In the midst of taking photos Bonnie clapped for the first time. All 3 babies sat up for a long time like pros.  Yesterday in the tub Bonnie and Abby tried pulling up and Betsy was basically tryin to swim, head under and all.

 Where are my little babies who once fit so easily 3 across in my arms?  It is surreal.

A thank you to my donors!

When I found out baby #4 was actually 4-6 I cried for all kinds of reasons. One reason I cried was over breastfeeding.  With my 3 singletons it wasn't even a question in my mind that I wouldn't breastfeed.  I was fortunate to have an abundant supply, only 1 brief run in with mastitis, 1 milk bleb, and 1 baby who struggled with latch for 5w. Most of the time I enjoyed it. They night weaned themselves around 7 months.  It was convenient and of course had health benefits. So when I heard "you have triplets" I cried out of guilt. I didn't think I could breastfeed 3 babies and I didn't think I wanted to breastfeed 3 babies.  I crie because I thought I would not be able to provide something for my babies because there were 3 of them. It wasn't their fault. It wasn't my fault.  Breastfeeding was an important part of how I mothered my babies. I didn't know how to mother without the boob. So I cried.

A few weeks into my pregnancy I discovered a small world of mothers who pumped and nursed for their triplets. This gave me hope that it was physically possible.  I saw that there were a lot of ways that moms fed their babies: a combo of formula and boob, bottle and boob, donor milk, breastmilk til they came home from the nicu, breastmilk til they reached their due date, and so on.  All these options have me hope and allowed me to think outside the box.  So I set my goal for feeding the triplets.  I wanted them to have breastmilk their first year but it didn't matter as much to me how they got it.  The milk could come to them in the form of a bottle with my pumped milk or donor milk. It could come with them directly at the breast. And I jokingly said, if they have to get it off the floor then so be it.

Weeks before we even made it to viability I had donor milk in my freezer and more donors lined up waiting to fill my needs.  Before these babies were even born I had more than 2 shelves in our large freezer filled with milk from donors.

When I struggled to pump enough or find the time to pump I had names and numbers of moms I could contact. I had moms sending me messages asking about my supply, asking if they could donate.  Sometimes moms would be out and about and have just 3oz and would offer to bring it by the house.  Moms picked up milk from other moms to bring it to me.  These moms, mostly friends, all wanted to help me give these babies breast milk.

Like I said, most of my donors were my friends. One time or another we had seen each other's boobs while nursing.  With some we shared personal information about our marriages, birth traumas, and other intimate details.  I knew these women.  I knew if their milk was good enough for their baby it was good enough for mine.  But for donors I did not know they always offered up their diet, if they occasionally ate fast food, how many cups of coffee, any medical history that might have been relevant. In the end I had so many women offering to help that I could turn down anything I did not feel comfortable with. But truth be told, there wasn't a single mom's offer to help that raised any red flags.

One evening at LLL with the babies there were 4 women in a room of about 12-15 who at some point had given milk to the babies.  I wonder if the babies could smell the familiar milk on those moms.  

Nursing, pumping, the use of donor milk, and providing formula are all very personal decisions.  It's not for any of us to say how or what a mother should feed her baby. 

 I know some people looked at me sideways when they discovered I gave my babies donor milk. It's not for everyone, I get that.  The babies are 11 months tomorrow and I know now I will be able to reach my goal of 1 year of breastmilk. I also know that without my donors my goal would not have been met.  I am pretty sure I could have pumped enough milk in those first 6 months before the babies latched, but at what cost?  At the cost of not spending anytime with any of my six kids?  At the cost of falling even deeper into depression?  My donors saved what little sanity I had. My donors bought me time with my kids. My donors bought me much needed dates with my husband. My donors gave me a few extra hours of sleep. My donors afforded me bi-monthly fellowship with other moms.  My donors took the pressure off. My donors allowed me to work at latching all my babies. My donors got me to 12 months of breastmilk to my 3 babies.  It took a community to nourish these babies.  

I wish I could do more to show my appreciation for the thousands of ounces of milk offered by the 20-30 moms. 

Thank you!  Thank you for the amazing gift you gave to my girls and to me!!  Thank you!  A thousand times over, thank you!  

And now here are some things to know/ask/expect with donor milk:

* I have been a recipient and a donor of milk so I know first hand what goes into giving and receiving.

1)  I would not pay for donor milk unless It is coming from a milk bank.  I would not trust the milk coming from an individual wanting to make money.

2). When receiving milk offer any of the following: money for gas, milk storage bags, breast pads, ingredients for lactation cookies, supplements, a meal, a Starbucks gift card, shout out on social media, photos of the baby receiving the milk.

3). I asked these questions about the mother before accepting milk: diet, drink, smoke, meds, supplements, date milk was expressed, storage.

4) I have tasted just about every milk donation. I figured if I wasn't willing to taste it then I shouldn't offer it.

Today I made a bottle because I was at my wits end and I'm appreciative for that option!

Evie rescued me.

The girls tricked me, I thought we were out of the woods. We aren't. This evening as babies were crying to be fed and big girls asking for this that and the other Evie came to my rescue. 

She said  "I can help you with the housework."

At first I was annoyed, I wasn't trying to do any housework. I was trying to shut kids up by nursing, with pizza, or a video. The next thing I know she is picking up toys and pillows.

Me: evie, it's ok. Eat some food and watch the video.

Evie: it's ok

She proceeds to pick up dishes from the table and take them to the sink.

Evie: I can wash the dishes

Me: evie, it's ok. You don't have to. I really appreciate it. You are being so kind and helpful to me.

She gathers more dishes, fills the dishwasher, and asks for help to put in the soap.

Me: Evie you don't have to do this. I will do it when you all go to bed. Thank you. You are so helpful.

She is 5 years old.

When Lucy was born I tandem nursed the girls. Several months post partum I started developing PPD.  Through counseling we determined it might be best for me if I weaned Evie.  I knew for a while it's what I should do but couldn't do it. But after a counseling session I just knew it had to be done. So I did it that same day. She sat on my lap and I told her "mommy doesn't feel good. I can't nurse you anymore."  At barely 2 years old she turned around and hugged me. I cried in her arms. I told her I was sorry. She hugged me and she made it ok.

She was 2 years old.

After my Grandma died I read Evie a story before bed, Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs. Toward the end my eyes began to tear up and my voice quivered. She was in my lap and could not see me. Yet she asked,"mama sad?"  To which I replied, "yes." She hugged me.

She was 2 years old.

At some point in the last year I lost it, it's happened so many times I can't pinpoint specifics. I went to the stairs and sobbed. Evie said to Lucy, "mama is sad." They both came and sat next to me. I apologized. "I'm sorry I yelled. Mommy is so tired. I'm sorry." They forgave me.

She was 4 years old.

Tonight I yelled at Lucy after she threw up. I yelled at Josie for whinning about who knows what while she was running a 104temp.  I grumbled at the babies because this evening they finally decided to be awake often and be fussy the entire time.  I am definitely not winning compassionate mother after my stellar performance tonight. 

I began this post with the intention of talking about how everyone is still sick, that now vomiting has entered into the equation, that Josie has had two days of a fever of 103, 104, and 105.  I was going to talk about how it's too much, which it is.  But as I started to write about all of this I remembered that Evie rescued me earlier and that I wanted to share.  then the other memories of her caring for me came to mind. 

It is really my prayer that this sensitivity she has toward others would be protected and nurtured.  She is definitely a gift to me.

A little more whole

I have consistently had 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep in the past week.  The babies have been sleeping beautifully (at night).  There have been a few nights that all 3 slept 12 hours. Unfortunately my bedtime is not between 5-6PM or I would get similar sleep!  I have also been consistently taking a low dose of medication to help with PPD. Between the sleep, medicine, and a good diet I have felt like a new person in the last week.  

My PPD often shows itself in a Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde kind of way.  It's not something I am terribly proud of but it isn't something I can completely control.  The diet we are on helps.  Getting sleep helps.  Getting a break and time for myself helps.  Having all of those things occur within a day is ideal, But not realistic.   I had a few days, in their entirety, where I was able to stay even keeled, even on days that Taylor was working.  I was so proud.  I think the girls could sense it to.  

Evie and Lucy picked these flowers for me today. They smell so delicious!

These pretty significant developments have prompted me to do a few things that make me happy and have the energy to actually follow thorough with those things!!  Earlier in the week I made the girls dresses.

 Tonight I made about a dozen bows. On a side note, I was never a bow person. Then 3 girls turned into 6. I can't justify spending the money buying them but I would and could totally make them.  Once I got started I couldn't stop. Knowing that the girls are excited about them only adds to my desire to keep making more.

When I am exhausted and overwhelmed Taylor often bares the brunt of it.  He works long and crazy hours then he comes home or wakes up from a night of work and jumps right in.  He has been teaching the girls how to play frisbee. He helps around the house. He puts the big girls to bed almost every night he is home.  He is not without his faults but I cannot imagine another man capable and willing to do this with me!  

Sorry, was that totally cheese ball?  Ha!

Father daughter dance last weekend.

Today at MOPS we made these little notebooks to write down things about our spouse that we love, appreciate, etcetera.  I don't really communicate as much as I should with him along the lines of appreciation, affirmations, etc.  I don't always follow through with the crafts. This one I did. During lunch and dinner I decided to include the girls.  We thought of different things we love about daddy, things he does with us, and so on.

Taylor asked "is Father's Day coming soon?"  Maybe that's telling about how little I say to him to show my appreciation, ha!  

Tonight, once the girls were in bed we had an impromptu date.  He made mango margaritas from scratch and we played Rummikub. We played games all the time before kids. We even played Clue and Apples to Apples just the two of us!  The drinks aren't on our diet and neither was the sushi we got for dinner from China Wok. Who cares!  

I started writing all of this to say that today I have felt more like ME than I have in a long time.  Sleeping babies are amazing!  The time I took to make the bows today, even pinning tutorials on Pinterest filled me up a bit.  Drinking the margaritas (thought not necessary) and playing the game with Taylor also helped me feel a bit more whole.  

Is it bedtime yet?

I started to scoop cottage cheeseinto the   vitamix to make a peanut butter and chocolate smoothie for the girls, per Lucy's request. I then moved onto the peanut butter when Lucy exclaimed,"no peanut butter!" As though I had commited the most heinous of crimes. "I only want ice."  Perplexed I asked, "you only want ice or do you want a smoothie?"  "I want a smoothie and ice but no peanut butter."  I made the smoothie and in the process of grabbing mason jars to serve them in I dropped one in the drawer, breaking it. I left it  there as I served the smoothie, grabbed 3 screaming babies, 2 of which had leaked in their bed and on their clothes.  , the drawer was high and deep enough to keep most little hands out, it could wait. 

Fast forward to changed diapers and relative calm.  I am sitting on the toilet when Evie comes bursting into the room, crying, holding out her finger that is dripping, dripping, with blood. Panicked I yell, "what happened?!"  "I fell!"  I heard no crashes, nothing shattered.   It was quiet and calm, well, for a house of six little girls.  I grabbed the nearest towel, wrapped it around her and told her to hold it there. 

"Show me where you fell."  She walked me to a clean area of the dinning room. "I fell here and I cleaned up the blood."  "You did not fall here. Tell me the truth, where did you fall?"  She walked me to the kitchen and pointed to the floor, there was nothing that could have possibly caused the gash. I looked around, the drawer with the broken glass was open. "Did you touch the glass?"

  "I wanted some water."

  "Some water? Are you kidding me? With a broken glass?  That is not safe! Don't ever touch broken glass."  It took 3 band aids to hold the blood and two nosey sisters chirping "I didn't play with glass."

I held Evie for a while, telling her stories about when she and her sisters were babies.  I cooked dinner earlier in the day to get it out of the way but as she sat in my lap I tossed around the idea of ordering take out.  I did not. The girls then turned on a video while I fed the babies, a stir fry of sorts. They gobbled it up and made a mess in the process.

Fast forward an hour or so to dinner time for the girls. I set up a little table, served them their food, and turned on a video for them while I nursed the babies.  Two seconds after placing the food on the table Evie declared, "I don't like it."  "You have to eat 3 bites then you can be done but no more food until morning."  They each took the tiniest of bites.  By this time all 3 babies were crying bloody murder and I was pissed that the big girls refused to eat. I turned off the video and gave them a list of things to tidy in the toy room.  In the midst of barking orders I latched two screaming babies only to leave the third screaming and clawing  at the  others.  Meanwhile Josie was right  next to me "phone. Want it."  "No Josie, you can't have my phone."  She says it over and over and over. Each time I respond I grew increasingly annoyed, after all I still had a hungry baby screaming. I couldn't take it anymore I erupted "NOooooooooo Joooooosieeeeeee! Stoooooopp!!!"  She immediately stayed to cry, Evie swooped in and carried her off to comfort her.

It's 6:05 PM and the countdown is on to bedtime!  the third and final baby is almost done nursing then it's off to bed for the babies. 25 more minutes and I can put Josie to bed, and technically 55 minutes for the older two. But they have very little concept of time so 6:30 bedtime it is for EVERYONE.  

Solids

My older girls began solids between 6-7 months. For some reason I was always so excited to begin this next stage. Each time I was in this beginning solids stage I would tell myself, "next time I won't start so soon. What's the point? It's messy and nothing is convenient as the boob." Yet Everytime 6 months rolled around I was at it again, starting the solids journey, even though they were still getting most of their nourishment from my milk.

Then came the triplets. Other moms said to wait until their adjusted 6 month birthday. So were I to start solids it would need to wait until 7.5 months. At 7.5 months the babies weren't sitting unassisted. So I thought, once they are sitting we will begin. 8 months came and went with no sitting. 9 months came and Abby became our first and only sitter. I fed her once or twice at the table but that was it.  

 

The moms were always talking about the best way to feed the babies: booster seats, high chairs, or feeding table.  I could not wrap my head around the best way to feed the babies.  I was hoping some triplet mom out there could shed light on THE BEST WAY to feed them. We did booster seats and trays in the past with the big girls but I wasnt convinced it was the best way. So I explored making my own triplet feeding table, other families had done it, don't seem too tricky.  But then I had to somehow fit TWO dining room tables in my dining room, spend the money, and make it.  Seemed like a lot considering I wasn't convinced it wa the best way to go. So I continued just to breastfeed. 

 And then there is the mess that comes with solids.  I have always done some variation of baby led weaning.  In some ways it was easier and cheaper.  I didn't buy baby food and I typically fed the baby frm my plate or tossed some easy finger foods on their tray, like sweet potatoes, avocado, blueberries, etc. it was messy but I preferred that to spoon feeding every time a baby are solids.  So I hada frame of reference for the mess of solids and I was not ready to deal with it.  I was not ready to think about and preparing food for THREE more mouths. So I kept nursing the babies.

In the back of my mind I knew there was a slight possibility that introducing solids might help the babies sleep longer. This was never the case with the big girls so I was not completely convinced.  

At their 9 month check out their iron tested a little low. Their ped wrote a script for iron.  I knew I would not remember to give it to them so then I started to think that maybe introducing solids wouldn't be a horrible idea.  

As it became more of a reality that we would begin solids I grew increasingly anxious with each passing day.  I had not yet discovered the perfect way to feed three babies. I could not wrap my head around thinking about food for three more mouths. And the clean up involved was enough to stop me in my tracks.  It was too much. It seems silly, I'm sure. By my plate was already full (no pun intended). I was already barely keeping my head above water.  Last Wednesday night as I was looking on craigslist for tables to make a feeding table I just started balling. I couldn't do it.  I couldn't handle one more thing.  

Thursday, on a whim, I visited my friend Cathy who specializes in PPD.  I needed a symathetic ear.  The first words out of my mouth were "I feel paralyzed."  I then went into everything I played over in my head about feeding the babies.  She echoed my feelings "it's too much for anybody. You are overwhelmed. It's ok."  I left our short time together ready to begin solids. We didnt devise the perfect plan to feed the babies. We didn't really address how to handle the mess. Yet for some reason I felt ok to begin. Some how it freed me from any unspoken expectations I had placed on myself.  If I needed to buy baby food, even though I didn't do that with the others, it was OK. If I needed to give them something frozen rather than cooked it was OK. It was going to be OK!  I ordered replacement straps for the booster seats. I realized there was no need to find the perfect solution, it would never happen. 

So, the babies have been doing solids for about six days. Twice a day, i might add. It hasn't been as bad as I thought.  I have plenty of bibs from all my craft show days.  I bought 24 sturdy wash cloths to be sure I had enough to keep things clean.  I have cleaned their chairs and trays immediately following meals. This was something I rarely did before. But I knew if I didn't deal with it immediately it would become more clutter and more mess that weighed me down and leave me feeling paralyzed. So sometimes the babies are crying as I clean. I reassure them that it is OK and I that mommy is coming. I know that if I don't deal with the mess right then that there would be an emotional breakdown later in the day. That is my reality right now.