Sometimes praying for God's will is not easy

What I thought was a short explanation for a prayer turned out to be a book...So, if you haven't heard all three of my girls are identical!  1 egg that split, I'm in awe.  This means all three are sharing the same placenta and this puts them at risk for twin to twin transfusion syndrome...essentially one baby is the pump and the other a receiver of blood/fluids (still educating myself).  Babies A and B are beginning to show signs of TTFS, my MFM is super worried now, but he is doing two US next week to measure fluids so he can get a better picture of things.  Weekly scans for fluid are key because things can go bad quickly, however there are treatments.  So there is another element of risk in an already risky triplet pregnancy.  I feel like I am under the care of two caring, wise, and God-fearing care providers.  The doc yesterday gave me his personal cell-phone to call him Sunday and schedule a free, after hours fluid scan with him.  He told Taylor and I there is no guarantee with anything, whether we go to 40w with 1 baby or 28w with triplets.  But what we can do is love our kids and be thankful for everyday.  We just love them.  Every week further gestationally is a blessing.  From the moment I conceived God gave us the babies just as they were meant to be and there is some comfort in that.  I'm educating myself on TTTFS to where I can understand it but shy of scaring the crap out of myself. 

I visited the NICU yesterday and I cried the moment I walked off the elevator. Even though it's a hospital I could just feel the love on the floor.  The social worker who took me on a tour was so compassionate and I just know that should any of my girls be there they will be cared for and loved.  To not think about all these possibilities would be silly and naive.  And there is no way to really prepare.  But any little thing I can do to put my mind at ease: organize the house, freeze food, make NICU kimonos, go on tours, etc I will do. 

The two scans coming up next week (Sunday or Monday and then again on Friday) are likely very critical.  It's hard not to pray that the numbers change for the positive or to pray we make it to 35w...because really what I want is God's will.  Jeremiah 29:11- "For I know the plans that I have for you" declared the Lord."  And I have to say that's really hard to say I want God's will.  His will may look very different than what is in my mind, but He proves himself time and time again.  He is faithful.  Psalm 139 came to me while I was writing this.  Of course, I had to google "God has our days numbered" to actually know the reference. 
             Psalm 139:16- Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordainedd for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

I began at the beginning of Psalm 139 and felt that it was written just for me in this specific moment in my life.  And then the worship song that we sing so often on Sunday's began playing in my mind.  He knows me, but more importantly He knows my three little precious girls.  Their days are numbered and He holds their hand.  They were knit together in my womb.

I know how much I love these girls already and I do know that God loves them more than I could ever imagine and He cares for them in a way that is unfathomable.  But, to pray "Lord your will," is still hard.