A Mother's Musings: There are no tricks.

Just minutes ago I was nursing Abby and watched a memorial video for a fellow triplet mom who lost her 3 boys on 3/31/14 just days before viability and exactly 2 weeks before my girls were born. As I watched the video so many thoughts ran through my mind: that could have very easily been me. Why did it happen to that mom? I broke Abby's latch and walked her up the stairs to return her to bed. Halfway up the stairs I squeezed her soft bare skin, held her face to mine and just sobbed.

I cannot even imagine. Since the Fall of 2013 I have come to know so many mothers of triplets who have lost 1 or all of their babies. Some moms lost all 3 while still pregnant. Some gave birth to healthy 34w babies only to lose one days later. While some moms have not lost any of their trio they struggle with chronic health issues, life threatening illnesses, surgery after surgery, months and months in the NICU, and much more.

Months ago a newly pregnant mom of triplets joined our community of moms expecting in 2014. In her introduction she said her provider had "tricks up her sleeve" to get her to 35+weeks with the babies. There are no tricks in a triplet pregnancy.

My babies and I did not make it to 34w because of anything I did. The weekly meals of grassfed liver, smoothies with hemp, gallons upon gallons of whole milk, a caring and knowledgeable OB, staying active with my big girls, my previous healthy pregnancies; none of those things are why I carried the girls to 34w. They are not the reason I had a short NICU stay with feeders and growers. Did those things hurt? Probably not. But I know plenty of women who did all those things too and then some then found themselves praying desperately to stay pregnant until viability because then the babies could be cared for. So many women had textbook, beautiful pregnancies until one day their placenta abrupted, or pre-e developed, or there was no longer a heartbeat. There is no trick. There is no secret. There is nothing I did or did not do.

34w

Having virtually no control is terrifying and humbling. I don't know why my pregnancy, the birth, and their first year went the way it did. I am no more blessed, no more healthy, no more a better mother, no more strong in my faith, no more wise. I did nothing. I am nothing. As I sit here writing this Psalm 139 once again comes to me, just as it did when I was only weeks pregnant with the girls.

All I know to say to the Lord is Thank You.